Friends with Benefits – Reversed

In the middle of our marriage crisis, I wrote here how Barely Husband accused me of treating him like a friend with benefits. I couldn’t deny it. A girl has needs too, you know… It may not have been the wisest on my part and as we drifted more and more, I still wanted sex,…

I Hate Moving

House buying in the UK is a fucking pain in my arse! It gets worse every time I do it. I hate over demanding buyers and I hate slow as fuck sellers. I hate solicitors. I hate packing. It’s been far too many months of non-stop stress and I’m tired. I’m lashing out and not…

Attachment

When Barely Husband and Raven arrived Thursday night, they came to mine. BH had agreed to be at the house for one of the million inspections the buyer has requested. Previously, I had taken time off work or kindly asked my sweet and retired neighbours to be there. He lives an hour away so it’s…

Dick is Back

And I hate it! Barely husband has been really nice to me so he has to be a cunt to Raven. Pardon my English but dick is not enough. Raven had her first agent audition on Sunday. It was close to his place so it made total sense that he would take her. He suggested…

My Life as a Comedy

I had this thought on Saturday when a lot went wrong in the morning. It wasn’t anything horrific, reason why I could see the funny side. It was a sequence of crappy stuff that piles up. First, some background: Barely husband sold his car in December ‘because he doesn’t need it.’ He walks to work,…

Lessons

There are lessons we have to learn as life teaches them. While Raven was away with her dad, in a deeply Catholic and Evangelical country, she felt in her skin what I had told her about my upbringing.  My sexuality was not welcome.  She asked a few random questions to people who would have been…

She’s Back! 

Raven is back! She arrived on Sunday afternoon, tired and without luggage. It got lost in the connection. It didn’t matter. She ran to me and hugged me. She said she missed me and didn’t even try to pretend she didn’t want cuddles like teenagers often do.  She has a lot of stories from her…

Happy New Year

2017 was hard. There’s no way around it. However, as I ponder and compare how I felt at the end of 2016 to how I feel now, I am in a much better place. 2016 ended with fights and divorce threats from barely husband’s side. 2017 started with my decision to end our marriage.  It…

17 Becomes 16

I write this as I lie in bed next to Raven. Nothing drastic happened but I gained another evening with her. Barely husband decided to go out with friends and she would be alone. I decided to be with her. He had been trying to get me to come to his and spend the night…

TWO WEEKS

17 days, actually. That’s how long Raven will be away. We spent half afternoon together yesterday and went out for a meal together before I dropped her off. She was tense, upset, she didn’t want to go. She’s scared of the fights that are bound to happen between her dad and his mother. She can’t…

Happy (early) Xmas

Last night Raven and I had our early Christmas Dinner. Like last year, I prepared a traditional British roast, with all the trimmings she loves. We listened to Xmas music, then other music and ended the night laughing at Lip Sync Battle episodes and Ru Paul’s Drag Race countdowns. There were no elaborate party plans,…

Happy Anniversary… Not!

I have blogged before about how both Barely Husband and I were terrible at remembering our wedding anniversary. It has become one of those ironic things in life that, since we split last year, I have remembered it both times. It was yesterday and the date kept on staring back at me all day long….

Compensation

Raven returned from the weekend with her dad happy for the first time in weeks. She said he was in a good mood for a change.  It seems making me miserable makes him happy.  Fuck him. 

Rollercoaster 

My life seems to be riding a rollercoaster, and not in a good way. There are very high highs, followed quickly by very low lows. It’s all fast paced but I’m going around in circles.  I had an amazing weekend with my friends, followed by a maddening week at work, which at least ended with…

Thanks

I would like to use this post to thank my amazing friends, who spent the weekend with me. Thank you for listening, thank you for always being there with comforting words, thank you for being so understanding.  Thank you for adapting to the circumstances with me, thank you for accepting and including Raven in our…

I HATE HIM TODAY

Barely husband pulled one on me today. I didn’t see it coming. He had joked about leaving Raven with me this weekend, when he found out about me seeing my friends. That was a few weeks ago.  Today, when I got home, my daughter was all excited that her dad had called her, asking if…

Claws Back Out

Things were too calm so barely husband decided to get his claws out again. Scarily, he didn’t lash out at me, he did it at Raven. She likes to talk, crack jokes and be funny a lot of the time but, like every kid her age, she has her introspective moments. She appreciates some alone…

Dependency

One of the lessons I have learned over these months of contemplation, after my split from barely husband, is that my happiness can’t depend on anyone.  It’s not an easy motto to go by, even if you know it makes total sense. Your head tells you to find happiness in the things you do but…

Frustration

This is about one thing and one, thing only: the house sale. This is one of those rare occasions when Barely Husband and I have been a team. We both need the money from the sale to move on. It’s been frustrating, to say the least. We initially signed with the Estate Agents we dealt…

Full Moon Thoughts

The full moon is coming back and I’m dreaming again. Naughty dreams. 🙈 I have finally decided to buy a new charger for my camera’s battery. I can’t find the original and I suspect barely husband may have had a ‘cleaning’ moment. Amazon has promised to deliver it for tomorrow. Fingers crossed. I want to…

Happy Halloween 

Or sort of… I wrote last year how Halloween had become mine and Raven’s holiday. Well, this year didn’t work so well. Because she spent the weekend with me in Belgium, her dad decided to have her for the week. I think it’s fair because, if she stayed with me, I’d still be at work…

Weekend Away

I have just returned from an amazing weekend in Belgium with friends who live there. It was a long weekend, filled with conversations, food and, of course, Belgian beers. These friends went to high school with me, meaning we’ve known each other for almost 30 years. We lost contact somewhere in the middle but, after…

HOW FAR?

These two words have been echoing in my mind all week. There are so many implications, situations and applications. How far can someone push you before you break? How far do you let them go to preserve your relationship? Each person will have a different answer to these same questions and, truth be told, to every single question…

Writing To Reach You

Many moons ago, I heard a song called ‘Writing To Reach You‘ for the first time. It’s by Scottish band Travis. This song has always been amongst my favourites but it’s been stuck in my head lately. I have been thinking a lot about the lyrics and they have taken a different, more powerful meaning….

ONE TRACK MIND

Today two people have told me I currently have a one track mind. The first one was a work colleague, the first one I told about my split with barely husband. We had the following conversation: “Is that why you’ve been so aggressive in meetings, threatening to bite people’s heads off and all?” he asked me…

Dirty Thoughts

This is a post containing random dirty thoughts. I have found it very hard to control them lately. Don’t expect any real depth in my writing tonight. This is just a bit of fun as I’m a bit of a failure at being sexy as you will see. 😉 1. After having a few too…

Utter Hell

Today has been one of those days when you know, from the second you wake up, things are going to be hell. I didn’t sleep well. At all. I woke up many times. I was anxious. I went to work feeling less than fresh to end up stuck in a meeting for two hours discussing…

CRY

On Sunday I cried, not only once, but three times. It was one of those shitty days. I woke up in the middle of the night with a dry mouth and a headache. I had a glass of wine before going to bed but that wouldn’t be enough. I took a painkiller with a glass…

Tattoo & Daydream

Today I had another three hours of work added to my tattoo, bringing the grand total to 17 hours and counting. I am still in love with it and, oddly enough, I miss the pain when the interval between sittings is too long. It seems each second of physical pain takes away something that hurts…

The Crow and The Butterfly (pt 2)

After my Crow left me, I received yet another visitor: a Butterfly. I saw the little thing struggling on my kitchen window seal. I tried to open the window to let her out but, to my horror, she fell behind the radiator and I couldn’t see her anymore. I thought she had been lost. I carried…