I am struggling this week. I really am. I’m trying hard not to be a moody cow or Debbie Downer at home in a conscious decision because of my promise to Raven. I often stop and take a deep breath, especially when my body is giving in to the exhaustion. It has worked but it’s tough.

It’s been 36 weeks since I last had any sort of intimacy with anyone – I am counting, sadly – and I miss it. At the same time, I know it’s not just the physical need. On this last time, I cried all through it. Barely husband had returned from his trip and we did it. I felt awful.

I had some friends suggest that I go out and get someone to do the deed. One of my friends, whose marriage broke down when she found out her husband had been keeping another household for years, is doing just that: she meets guys from another town online, through a dating App. She goes on a holiday trip to said place and gets it on with them, keeping it 100% no strings attached. I wish I could do that.

I’ve never been a prude and I’ve had my share of casual sex. I’ve never gone as far as picking up strangers but I did have a few one night stands. I had a few friends with benefits or friends of friends who happened to be around when I wanted something. That’s why I get a sense of been there, done that from my friend’s behaviour. It’s something that I have completely left behind. Different from me, she married extremely young and her husband was probably the only man she’d been with until the split (I’m not sure. I never asked).

I know that if I go for casual, I’ll end up crying like a did on that last time with Barely Husband. I know I will still feel empty and lonely. Casual sex is not what I want or need right now. My dreams have also showed me that.

I have realised that I would swap the sex for having someone talk to me with interest in my day to day life, a chat with someone who cares about me and wants to know more; someone who wants to know me, the real me. I want to get excited when that person calls me and I want to not be able to wait to talk to them again when I put the phone down. I want to get excited when I see them and cherish a cuddle and a kiss on my forehead.

The sex would come and it would be the icing on the cake, not the cake itself.

Don’t get me wrong: I have amazing friends who care, ask about my life and talk to me daily, but when there’s no chance of crossing that line, there’s still a void to fill.

7 Comments Add yours

  1. ZiZi says:

    It’s very different when someone who knows/wants you intimately cares about your day to day. When it’s that person to make you smile at a text or hold your breath in anticipation when they call.
    I think your friends are saying to try for casual sex just to take the edge off of some things, not to become a permanent part of your being.

    After my divorce, I went back to a FWB one night and it was AMAZING to have someone who wanted to be with me and not just use my body for his personal need. It made me remember that I am desirable and I should not have stuck with my ex husband.
    So maybe a casual night for you will allow you to feel sexy and sexual and happy and free, even if he isn’t your source of happiness. Just something to divert/take the edge off????

    Liked by 2 people

    1. DFMGhost says:

      I know and understand what they mean and I know they mean well but I can’t emotionally handle it. I know I can’t.
      To complicate things even more, I am very difficult in bed, meaning my orgasms are hard to come by. It takes a few tries with a good amount of learning before I get there. Something casual would probably leave me even more frustrated and I really don’t want to make things worse.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. My friends all advocate for this too and make me feel like the biggest prude on the planet. Sorry. I wish I had a fix but there just isn’t. I am so needing intimacy too!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. DFMGhost says:

      What I realised is that I am more in need of emotional connection than intimacy. Just sex won’t work. That would have been easier.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Me too. Intimacy with the connection.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Getting out there is what you need to do, but you’re right that sex without intimacy is hollow and mostly frustrating. It’s more the search itself that changes things.

    When I met the MIGHTY Rosie, neither of us expected to find the ONE, but doing something felt better than doing nothing.

    Truth is that there’s no quick fix, or step by step solution, but doing something might at least put some positivity out there.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. DFMGhost says:

      Knowing there’s no quick fix brings me down every now and then. It all seems so distant and difficult. I’m trying to get out more. It was easier when my mom was here. She was my company and distraction. We had a great time even if I didn’t find anyone even remotely interesting. Since she’s gone back home, I have gone back to being alone on weekends. I talk to my friends daily but the one who lives closest to me is an hour away.
      I’m trying but sometimes it hits me hard.
      Thank you for your support.


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