I am struggling this week. I really am. I’m trying hard not to be a moody cow or Debbie Downer at home in a conscious decision because of my promise to Raven. I often stop and take a deep breath, especially when my body is giving in to the exhaustion. It has worked but it’s tough.
It’s been 36 weeks since I last had any sort of intimacy with anyone – I am counting, sadly – and I miss it. At the same time, I know it’s not just the physical need. On this last time, I cried all through it. Barely husband had returned from his trip and we did it. I felt awful.
I had some friends suggest that I go out and get someone to do the deed. One of my friends, whose marriage broke down when she found out her husband had been keeping another household for years, is doing just that: she meets guys from another town online, through a dating App. She goes on a holiday trip to said place and gets it on with them, keeping it 100% no strings attached. I wish I could do that.
I’ve never been a prude and I’ve had my share of casual sex. I’ve never gone as far as picking up strangers but I did have a few one night stands. I had a few friends with benefits or friends of friends who happened to be around when I wanted something. That’s why I get a sense of been there, done that from my friend’s behaviour. It’s something that I have completely left behind. Different from me, she married extremely young and her husband was probably the only man she’d been with until the split (I’m not sure. I never asked).
I know that if I go for casual, I’ll end up crying like a did on that last time with Barely Husband. I know I will still feel empty and lonely. Casual sex is not what I want or need right now. My dreams have also showed me that.
I have realised that I would swap the sex for having someone talk to me with interest in my day to day life, a chat with someone who cares about me and wants to know more; someone who wants to know me, the real me. I want to get excited when that person calls me and I want to not be able to wait to talk to them again when I put the phone down. I want to get excited when I see them and cherish a cuddle and a kiss on my forehead.
The sex would come and it would be the icing on the cake, not the cake itself.
Don’t get me wrong: I have amazing friends who care, ask about my life and talk to me daily, but when there’s no chance of crossing that line, there’s still a void to fill.