In my previous post, I mentioned dreams, more specifically dreams that put me in a good mood that continues all day. Let me try to explain.

I have started writing quick notes to remind me of these dreams. There has been a recurring theme to most of them. They are centred around having a relationship and, more often than not, the start of a relationship.

Maybe they come from my desire to feel something. I’m still a bit numb in that department. However, if they were just stemmed from desire, wouldn’t they be about sex? Well, they’re not.

There is usually that sweet awkwardness of a new relationship, or not yet a relationship, when you’re getting to know someone and you want to do things but don’t know exactly how to. Then there is a moment when you’re holding hands and you feel safe. You feel your love interest is caring and mature. Then you wake up and that feeling stays with you.

Other times I was getting attention from young and cute guys. It was confidence boosting but, when they tried to get close, it felt wrong. So, so wrong. I used these dreams as a warning. Even though that attention felt great, those are no go zones. I don’t want to have a one night stand. I want someone who will talk to me for hours about anything. I want someone who will be open minded and accepting. I want someone mature and intelligent.

The best dreams showed ‘us’ doing day to day things but clearly in places/events that meant a lot to me, like going to Pride and visiting my grandmother’s village in Portugal, things I have recently done. When I felt insecure, my love held my hand and kissed me and quickly all doubt evaporated.

Once I saw us grow old together, still going out and enjoying life. A tall figure embraced me from behind and I saw lips, not a full face. They were gorgeous and kissed me exactly how I wanted to be kissed. The skin, the smell, the strength… everything was perfect.

We were among friends and everything felt effortless and easy.

Are these just dreams? Are they wishes? Is there something coming for me?

I don’t know. I just hope.