Hindsight is a powerful thing. You can either use it to understand where you are and how you got there, thus learning from the process, or you can torture yourself with the wrong paths taken.
I am choosing the former.
Yesterday, three generations of my family – my mom, Raven and I – sat down for a nice chat over a meal. I know what Raven thinks, but her opinions are based on our recent past and present. My mom has been there from the beginning of my relationship with barely husband.
Over the years, she occasionally mentioned to me how similar he was to my dad. They seemed more like father and son than most who are actually related. This is one of the things I completely ignored then, like the other many I wrote about here.
My mother said yesterday that, even though she hoped she was wrong, she knew we weren’t right for each other; that he was too much like my father, who I wanted to get away from. She never said much but I don’t blame her: with my stubborn, thick head, I wouldn’t have listened. Hindsight!
She also told me she thinks we moved too fast. I didn’t think we did then but today I realise it was only 1 year and 3 months from when we started dating to the drunk proposal and only 5 months to our wedding. And that’s with two break-ups in the middle. Bloody hindsight!
Before the wedding, our relationship had already gone downhill: I was already recoiling to avoid fights that came all the time, I was doing what he wanted me to do and the sex wasn’t that brilliant anymore (definitely not the best position to be in after less than two years together). I told her that if our engagement had been a couple of months longer, I would probably have called it all off. Fucking hindsight!
I’m swearing but I’m not really pissed off, I promise. It’s just my dirty mouth, that he often threatened to wash with soap, leaking to my thoughts. *Insert smirk*
My mom wasn’t really surprised when I finally snapped. She constantly expected this moment to come, just like my friend who carried me through our first crisis did. I was the blind one.
For the future, I just hope I can use the hindsight bitch to my advantage. I hope I learned my lesson – a few lessons – and I avoid these pitfalls in my new relationship, which I’m sure will come in due course.