I have come across an article listing lame excuses not to get a divorce. It wasn’t a masterpiece in writing and it was quite repetitive to get to the promised ’20 reasons.’ However, as I have been a victim of some of them myself, I decided to write my own.
1. Loss of Material Comfort – my life was definitely financially simpler with two good salaries in the pot. If I had to buy a new washing machine or wanted a new TV, the cost would be split by two. Now it’s all up to me. I have done a massive cost saving exercise but I am still running very close to my limits. Part of it relates having to upkeep a 5 bedroom house by myself, which leads me to the next point;
2. Not wanting to move/lose house – I do love my house but it’s too big/too much for us at the moment. I only own half of it and it causes me all sorts of awkward moments when barely husband is still entitled to his half. I had to keep my head on. I hate moving and I’ve done it far too many times already, but it’s an unnecessary evil. There was even mention of wanting someone to share the housework with. Really? *Eyeroll*
3. Stay together for the children – they are not stupid: they see the marriage falling apart and if there’s dialogue, things become easier. My daughter always says she wants us both to be happy and it’s clear we are not happy together. Some children struggle more, I know, but being open and honest helps;
4. Fear of others’ reactions – I did think ‘What will my family think?’ There’s also a sense of shame for having failed on something that was so important. I still haven’t told a lot of people that we are separated and headed for divorce but right now it’s mostly because I don’t want to be pitied. I have an old friend who’s also going through divorce who makes a big drama out of it. He wants people to feel sorry for him. I hate that. I am not proud of my separation but I know it’s the right thing and I am strong enough to get through it;
5. Fear of what’s next – This one was a biggie for me. I’m throwing myself into the unknown. Will I regret it? Probably not, thinking now, but barely husband even threatened me, saying I would, which takes me to…
6. Emotional Blackmail – Another biggie for me. I was questioned why I was destroying our family, why I refuse to give us a chance (he thinks I’m just being stubborn). I have become immune to it over time but I can’t always avoid the…
7. Feeling of guilt – I feel guilty because I know what my daughter has to go through. She needs to see the ups and downs. She needs to split her time. Barely husband is broken and I don’t like seeing him like that. I wish I could snap my fingers and make him get over it;
8. False hopes/Hopes of Promises Kept – For a long time I hoped things would improve. I hoped the problems would magically go away and that I wouldn’t feel so repressed with the promises I was forced to make in order to try. I made them and I tried but they made me miserable. What he offered me in return just wasn’t enough. We cling to the nostalgia of the good days hoping things will go back to how they once were. They won’t;
9. We share the same friends – This doesn’t really affect me but I’ve seen awkward moments plenty with others. Still, it’s not a good enough excuse;
10. Sex – I have made it clear I like sex. Well, I love sex, but I require emotional involvement. That’s why sex with barely husband wouldn’t satisfy anymore. It was just physical and it started hurting me emotionally. I could get sex – good and safe sex even – but that’s not all I need;
11. Fear of being alone – This has caused me a few breakdowns. It’s clear I don’t want to just pick anyone up for the sake of it. That is not fulfilling and will only bring heartache. I want to find the right person and I have raised the bar quite high, making me fear I will never find that person. It scares me but I’d rather be alone than compromise;
12. You’re too old – I am 40. Sometimes I feel I’m too old but does love stop when you reach a certain age? NO! So I hope. I hope to find someone with the same values and beliefs; someone who respects me and cares for me; someone who loves me deeply and will share everything with me.