I have been in a down mood for a while. The crying, the despair, the loneliness… I’ve felt it all.
Raven, wise beyond her years, has been my saving grace. I thanked her yesterday. She had been trying to hammer into my mind that as long as I’m feeling needy and basically crap, all I’m going to attract is needy and crap.
She wanted to cheer me up so we started a silly game of ‘how to find mom a boyfriend’ and, after all the cringey jokes we shared, she offered me this text that supposedly had a love spell she’d found.
It said exactly what she’s been trying to tell me but that I wasn’t listening to.
Apart from some gimicky stuff, like spelling magic as ‘magick’ it was a sensible piece of writing. It said that I need to be happy and fulfilled to have something good to share with a loved one. If I don’t, I’m only going to attract half and broken people. That is a requirement to ‘cast the spell’.
I found a lot of sense in it and something clicked in my brain: I am going to make myself happy; I am going to be the best person I can be without needing anyone to get me there.
I have made huge progress with my bucket list, including 9 hours of work on the most amazing tattoo I could wish for, and that needs to mean something more than ticking boxes.
I want to be a whole person with my own merit so that, when I find someone, that person will also be whole and willing to share themselves with me, just like I will share my life with them.
As for the spell? I don’t think it’s a spell and I won’t use it as such but I did write it down as a mantra. It’s an affirmation of my uniqueness as being worthy of someone who is worthy of me. It also says ‘I am ready. You are ready. Show yourself to me and I’ll show myself to you.’
Repeating it feels good and I have been on a high for a couple of days.
Raven says she likes happy mamma because sad mamma was a downer bitch! I hear you, babe!