Dear Mom

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Dear Mom,

I know things have been very difficult for you since you and dad split up. I know that, even though it’s been 15 years, you still have the feeling you failed and there is a sense of shame. The relationship was oppressive and destructive but you still feel that way. You won’t admit it but I know you do.

I know that, combined with the problems you suffered at work, sent you on a downward spiral that turned into depression; depression that you started treating late because you wouldn’t admit looking for professional help and that you consider yourself cured every now and then just to come off your meds and fall deep again.

I know you miss me and I know you miss Raven even more and the long distance between our homes does not make things easier.

However, it is not fair that you use emotional blackmail to get me to leave everything and come see you. It’s not fair that you lecture me when I can’t oblige to your desires of having Raven there during a time I have already agreed she will be with her father. I can’t make him change his plans to fulfil your wishes either. That is what divorce means.

You don’t understand it because, when you finally split up with dad, your ‘children’ were already independent adults. There was no sharing weeks and weekends, let alone holidays. There were no decisions to be negotiated as my brother and I already made our own.

It is not fair that you put this extra burden on me during this time when I am fighting hard to control and resolve my own feelings and life. I really don’t need you threatening to cancel your visit to us, which has been planned for months, because you feel the need to act like a spoiled child who was refused a toy on a day out.

The person most affected by that would be Raven, who would be left alone at home all through the summer holidays. Because you were coming, WE made no alternative plan.

Please stop feeling sorry for yourself. Please act like a grown up. It’s your choice you are alone.

We love you and support like we always have. We enjoy your company but we are not babysitters. We are not therapists. We can’t be responsible for you. I am sorry if this sounds harsh but I have to focus on rebuilding my own life with focus on my daughter.

You had 15 years to rebuild yours and you haven’t. I won’t do the same.

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9 Comments Add yours

  1. ZiZi says:

    My heart goes out to you…..💕💕

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Sweetie I am sorry. This must be so hard. I hope she realizes who this will hurt and doesn’t cancel her visit. I hope she can begin to see that divorce means making the best of a difficult situation and the manipulation doesn’t help. Hugs.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. DFMGhost says:

      She hasn’t said anything else since I was very clear we wanted her here but she needs to understand the constraints of a divorce with dependent chindren. She should be boarding today and I think she will come.
      Sometimes she gets to caught up with her own depression and it’s like no one else has feelings.
      She has this reassurance game she plays with Raven where she says ‘You don’t really want me there, do you?’ just to hear her say how much she wants grandma here. She’s played it since Raven was little. I hate it!
      I want to help her but she needs to help herself first. It’s difficult.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. bone&silver says:

    I think that’s a great post for you to have written- gets it all clear. My Mum was similarly tricky, due to depression, & still at 81 plays some of those games… so I totally hear ya! You’re doing a great job of handling all this; I for one admire you. Good luck, I really hope it sorts out- let us all know. G x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. DFMGhost says:

      At least she will come, it seems. Her flight got cancelled and she’s trying to reschedule right now (bad luck). I hope once she gets here, she understands the situation better. Thanks x

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Wrapping you in a tight hug. Best wishes for a insightful outcome.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. DFMGhost says:

      I was visited by a very strange blackbird this morning. He was acting very weird in my garden, which drew my attention to him. I often get them here but this one was different. When I looked at the blackbird as a spirit animal, there it was: big changes that have been brewing for a while are finally ready to happen. It is also an omen to tell me a crucial familial shift is about to happen. I should be supportive and refrain from judgement.
      Isn’t it fascinating?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Wow that is awesome. Thank you so much for sharing. See, it’s fascinating and you are hooked now seeing the sign s and guidance all around. Xo

        Liked by 1 person

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