I know things have been very difficult for you since you and dad split up. I know that, even though it’s been 15 years, you still have the feeling you failed and there is a sense of shame. The relationship was oppressive and destructive but you still feel that way. You won’t admit it but I know you do.
I know that, combined with the problems you suffered at work, sent you on a downward spiral that turned into depression; depression that you started treating late because you wouldn’t admit looking for professional help and that you consider yourself cured every now and then just to come off your meds and fall deep again.
I know you miss me and I know you miss Raven even more and the long distance between our homes does not make things easier.
However, it is not fair that you use emotional blackmail to get me to leave everything and come see you. It’s not fair that you lecture me when I can’t oblige to your desires of having Raven there during a time I have already agreed she will be with her father. I can’t make him change his plans to fulfil your wishes either. That is what divorce means.
You don’t understand it because, when you finally split up with dad, your ‘children’ were already independent adults. There was no sharing weeks and weekends, let alone holidays. There were no decisions to be negotiated as my brother and I already made our own.
It is not fair that you put this extra burden on me during this time when I am fighting hard to control and resolve my own feelings and life. I really don’t need you threatening to cancel your visit to us, which has been planned for months, because you feel the need to act like a spoiled child who was refused a toy on a day out.
The person most affected by that would be Raven, who would be left alone at home all through the summer holidays. Because you were coming, WE made no alternative plan.
Please stop feeling sorry for yourself. Please act like a grown up. It’s your choice you are alone.
We love you and support like we always have. We enjoy your company but we are not babysitters. We are not therapists. We can’t be responsible for you. I am sorry if this sounds harsh but I have to focus on rebuilding my own life with focus on my daughter.
You had 15 years to rebuild yours and you haven’t. I won’t do the same.