Fighting Through

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I am fighting through the low today. I feel it trying to keep me down, like a clingy hangover. Maybe there is an actual slight hangover as I succumbed to a couple of glasses of whisky last night while dancing and singing with Raven to some of our favourite rock songs. We acted like lunatics but had an amazing time together. 

Now, I’m again home alone, a house viewing I went to revealed a less than desirable house and my morning ended with a less than pleasant conversation with barely husband. 

We didn’t fight and he seens to have finally understood I have no feelings for him and I definitely don’t want us to get back together. I spelled it out clearly for him. He asked me to say it and I did. 

Now he is requesting ‘reminders,’ me putting it in writing on a message to him once a month so he can let go. I laughed as I really don’t see a reason for doing it, unless he is trying to trick me into something. I am suspicious but I don’t know what that would mean. I am telling him, if that’s what he wants. I’m not writing it. 

He said he feels like our marriage was a farce, like it was all fake from my part because he doesn’t understand how I can give up on our promise of ‘until death do us part’. I refused to get married in church so that’s inaccurate, but I digress. 

He concedes to having treated me like shit over the years, especially the last 3 or 4, but still expects me to cherish our commitment. I can’t turn a switch and develop feelings for him. He killed them slowly and painfully, now he wants ‘my brain’ to choose him and the feelings will come. His theory. 

I don’t work like that. I don’t get it. He gets upset when I look at him in disbelief or laugh but I can’t help it. I know that’s probably what he did when he ‘picked me’ to be his wife. For me it’s a case of the desire being there or not. It’s definitely not there anymore. 

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21 Comments Add yours

  1. I wonder if he wants the reminders to perpetuate the victim mentality. “You were the one who did this.” I agree, after so many years of being treated so poorly, the passion had left my marriage too. I’m not one who can reignite it once it’s gone. My heart and body don’t work that way. Maybe it’s a Virgo thing. Sorry about the hangover – sounds like the fun was worth it.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. DFMGhost says:

      I’m a Taurus and I definitely don’t work like that. He does blame me for ending it because it’s not what he wants.
      He says we don’t make it work because I don’t want to try and he doesn’t consider me staying with him, constantly doing everything to please him for many years trying.
      I don’t know what trying is then.

      Like

      1. Again that’s his victim mentality talking. He has to say you were the one who didn’t try (facts be damned!). It fits his story. Taurus is a lot like Virgo in that respect I have found – once the heart is done it’s done. Hugs. Maybe a walk outside will blow off some of the shitshow.

        Liked by 2 people

      2. DFMGhost says:

        I know. He won’t change his speech but, even if he did, it’s too late now. I want to get it over with.
        I thought about going for a walk but I didn’t want to go alone. It’s the most beautiful sunny day outside. At least I’ve been out in the garden 🤷🏻‍♀️Got cherries, strawberries and blackcurrants from it today. That helps my mood.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Don’t want to go alone! Pfftt… I do so much walking alone. I put audiobooks on my iPod for when I don’t want to be in my own head…

        Liked by 2 people

      4. DFMGhost says:

        Hahaha! It’s not that I never go alone. Sometimes I do and really enjoy it. Today I don’t feel like it. I feel like I want to talk and talking to myself outside might cause some issues.

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Oh that! I have been guilty of that. Fortunately we have trails that are pretty solitary so I don’t get caught too often, but I have had whole conversations outloud when I am processing things!

        Liked by 1 person

      6. DFMGhost says:

        Sounds like me! I am talking to myself and the dog. Or chatting like now with you. It’s good company.

        Liked by 1 person

      7. I am glad I’m not alone in this! MS says he does it too…

        Liked by 1 person

      8. DFMGhost says:

        You’re definitely not alone!

        Liked by 1 person

    2. DFMGhost says:

      The hangover is not bad. I just feel a little heavy headed. 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I wouldn’t write anything down he has asked for. It’s another way for him to maintain contact with you specifically. Maybe even use one time you forget to write it as tacit invitation. Take care of Raven, take care of you, the rest is at Your discretion. Get a hands free kit if you want to talk out loud outside

    Liked by 2 people

    1. DFMGhost says:

      I won’t write. I don’t see anything good coming from it. I really don’t get what he wants but you may be right. It’s another way to contact me. Thank you.

      Like

  3. bone&silver says:

    I agree with other comments ^ . And with your instincts to not write, just keep speaking your truth. It doesn’t have to be a drama now; it just IS. It’s OVER, & you’ve made a very healthy, loving choice for yourself & Raven- well done!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. DFMGhost says:

      Thank you. I am sticking by my decision. He should know that now.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I’ve read some articles on line that say love is an action rather than an emotion so maybe that’s what he means by choosing him with your brain and the rest will follow. I don’t know if I actually believe in that or maybe I haven’t tried hard enough!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. DFMGhost says:

      I have tried. Really hard. I did love him in the beginning but his actions slowly killed everything I felt for him. Now, if I think of being with him, all I think is the pain. I don’t want that again. I don’t want the feeling of being less back.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m the same way. I endure a lot until I reach that breaking point, but once I do and the passion is gone, there is no turning back, even if I would want to.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. DFMGhost says:

      That’s exactly what happened to me. I tried so hard and now I just can’t anymore.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I understand completely and it’s as if we poured all of ourselves into the relationship. Our concerns went unnoticed as we begged for the other to take notice and become aware. Now, with the life sucked out of us, they finally hear and perhaps could even become the best husband there is, only we are lifeless now when it comes to pursuing a life together and we can no longer return. This happened a few times in life now and at times it felt as if I always had to be the one who endured the suffering but ended up molding them into the aspiring, model, successful, everyone’s dream kind of people they turned out to be. Go figure lol.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. DFMGhost says:

        He can display his model behaviour. I hope he finds happiness. It just won’t be with me.

        Liked by 1 person

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