I am fighting through the low today. I feel it trying to keep me down, like a clingy hangover. Maybe there is an actual slight hangover as I succumbed to a couple of glasses of whisky last night while dancing and singing with Raven to some of our favourite rock songs. We acted like lunatics but had an amazing time together.
Now, I’m again home alone, a house viewing I went to revealed a less than desirable house and my morning ended with a less than pleasant conversation with barely husband.
We didn’t fight and he seens to have finally understood I have no feelings for him and I definitely don’t want us to get back together. I spelled it out clearly for him. He asked me to say it and I did.
Now he is requesting ‘reminders,’ me putting it in writing on a message to him once a month so he can let go. I laughed as I really don’t see a reason for doing it, unless he is trying to trick me into something. I am suspicious but I don’t know what that would mean. I am telling him, if that’s what he wants. I’m not writing it.
He said he feels like our marriage was a farce, like it was all fake from my part because he doesn’t understand how I can give up on our promise of ‘until death do us part’. I refused to get married in church so that’s inaccurate, but I digress.
He concedes to having treated me like shit over the years, especially the last 3 or 4, but still expects me to cherish our commitment. I can’t turn a switch and develop feelings for him. He killed them slowly and painfully, now he wants ‘my brain’ to choose him and the feelings will come. His theory.
I don’t work like that. I don’t get it. He gets upset when I look at him in disbelief or laugh but I can’t help it. I know that’s probably what he did when he ‘picked me’ to be his wife. For me it’s a case of the desire being there or not. It’s definitely not there anymore.