CONFUSED

I have been trying to write something to post here for a few days now. More precisely since Saturday. I just can’t seem to find a sequence of words and thoughts that makes sense. I’ll just write whatever and post it anyway. 

Barely husband was here again over the weekend. Raven spent the week with him and, as they drove back from a day at Alton Towers on Friday, he stopped by to drop her off. He would spent the night in the guest room. 

I opened a bottle of wine and once again we started one of our heartfelt conversations. I learned that his mother has been calling him stupid because he’s after me. I’d like to defend him as I think she offends him unnecessarily but, the reality is, I wish he wasn’t after me. 

I also found out that he’s been talking to my mom and, even though she doesn’t call him stupid, she’s been advising him to let go because it’s over. Thanks mom! For real. No sarcasm. 

He again questioned things about my sexuality and my still being in the closet for my family. With them it’s always been a ‘must know’ approach. While I was happily married to a man, the fact that I am bisexual got relegated to a lower plan. 

He says he understands now my outbursts and defence of the LGBTQ+ community and my taking offence with the ‘jokes’. Still, he questions why I never took these opportunities to open up with him. I told him his first (bad) reaction, just as we started dating and I told him that I had been with girls, put me off. As I said before, because I was with him, I believed it had become irrelevant. 

He again said he might not have married me if he knew it hadn’t been just an experiment. I said I might not have married him if I understood what hiding that part of me meant to me long term. 

I cried. I cried a lot because I see the mistakes that I made. I should have been true to myself all along. I can’t go back.

My feelings for him remain unchanged. I still want a divorce. I’m sure that is final from my side. I just hope he takes the advice from our mothers and moves on. 

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12 Comments Add yours

  1. tarnishedsoul says:

    This is for me as much as it is for you: you can’t relive the past. The decisions you make in this moment are the only ones that matter.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. DFMGhost says:

      I try to think like this but my anxiety has been kicking in. It’s a rare thing for me but it has happened too often as of late. I know there are a lot of decisions to be made and practicalities to power through and I find myself losing my temper. It only adds to my confusion.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. tarnishedsoul says:

        I get it..

        Liked by 1 person

      2. DFMGhost says:

        šŸ˜ŠšŸ’–šŸ’™

        Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s a lot to deal with and I have thus ahead of myself. For me I believe that I don’t want to reside on the past, and it is what is while yours is a major contributor to your future and the new route your own. Just as it is for me. It’s overwhelming but I try to break it down into smaller parts. Xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. DFMGhost says:

      I’m usually not this confused. My thoughts are all over the place and I don’t like it. I think not having my alone time has affected me. I need it. I will get some this weekend, fortunately. šŸ’–šŸ’™

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You might be right, but after all it is a lot and we can only be strong for so long

        Liked by 1 person

      2. DFMGhost says:

        Thank you for being such a good friend. Sometimes all I need is a calming voice. šŸ’™šŸ’–

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Right back at ya dear and thank you xoxo

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I hope the confusion and the anger has begun to clear. I can relate to wanting to go back to change the past. But at some point, you have to know that it would be impossible to choose when to rewind to. Do I choose the day I left Chile? Do I choose the moment before Alejandro died? Would I be giving up the dear friends I have made since then the life that has made me who I am today? It may mean that I wouldn’t have had my sucky marriage, but I also would never have met MS. It is ok, and understandable to have regrets. That shows that you have lived and loved and cared. But we can’t let them keep us stuck. Hugs, dear friend.

    Like

  4. He will, move on. Man are not as comfortable being on their own as we are. Not sure why when women realize they can make it on their own it’s hard to go back. Even though I am happier than I’ve ever been, I know there’s more. Not that I’m thinking of leaving my wife, I love who she is and don’t want a life without her, but there’s more to me, doors to open, emotions to feel. I closed myself off pretty early in life and I’ve been working on coaxing that part back to living again.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. DFMGhost says:

      I hope he does, sooner rather than later. He makes it difficult for me as I constantly feel like the ‘bad guy’.
      There is a lot more to life. There are many things that I want back and I’m glad you are still open to finding them, just like I hope to always be.

      Like

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