I have been trying to write something to post here for a few days now. More precisely since Saturday. I just can’t seem to find a sequence of words and thoughts that makes sense. I’ll just write whatever and post it anyway.
Barely husband was here again over the weekend. Raven spent the week with him and, as they drove back from a day at Alton Towers on Friday, he stopped by to drop her off. He would spent the night in the guest room.
I opened a bottle of wine and once again we started one of our heartfelt conversations. I learned that his mother has been calling him stupid because he’s after me. I’d like to defend him as I think she offends him unnecessarily but, the reality is, I wish he wasn’t after me.
I also found out that he’s been talking to my mom and, even though she doesn’t call him stupid, she’s been advising him to let go because it’s over. Thanks mom! For real. No sarcasm.
He again questioned things about my sexuality and my still being in the closet for my family. With them it’s always been a ‘must know’ approach. While I was happily married to a man, the fact that I am bisexual got relegated to a lower plan.
He says he understands now my outbursts and defence of the LGBTQ+ community and my taking offence with the ‘jokes’. Still, he questions why I never took these opportunities to open up with him. I told him his first (bad) reaction, just as we started dating and I told him that I had been with girls, put me off. As I said before, because I was with him, I believed it had become irrelevant.
He again said he might not have married me if he knew it hadn’t been just an experiment. I said I might not have married him if I understood what hiding that part of me meant to me long term.
I cried. I cried a lot because I see the mistakes that I made. I should have been true to myself all along. I can’t go back.
My feelings for him remain unchanged. I still want a divorce. I’m sure that is final from my side. I just hope he takes the advice from our mothers and moves on.