This past weekend I was on a mission. Barely husband was invited to a football match on Saturday so he wouldn’t take Raven to his. It would be easier for him to get there from mine so he came here and we went to a restaurant together for lunch before I dropped him off at the train station. 

As Sunday we were going to take Raven to Anime Con in Manchester, he came back here and stayed over in the guest room. Last time she wanted to go, I went with her and ended up inviting one of her friends to come with us not to waste the ticket I had bought months before as barely husband had refused to go last minute. 

He was mad at me. At least that was the excuse. It was around that time when we started fighting and talking divorce. The other point is, there, he is completely out of his element. We could see it and even he realised and was having a laugh at his own expense. The ‘I accept but I don’t get’, his left brain fighting his right, was a constant presence. 

He survived it with flying colours. It’s the kind of effort he was not willing to put on while we were married. He is now because he wants to be part of his daughter’s life, which is great, but also because he still hopes we’ll be back together in the future. 

The second reason is the one that worries me. The trips to and from Manchester left space for awkward conversations, expertly avoided by Raven with the use of earphones and loud music. 

He wants me to have ‘an open mind’, to spend time with him and see that he has changed. I know he has but for me it’s still a case of we are happier apart, doing the things we can’t when we’re together. Or at least doing the things that annoy the crap out of each other but they don’t annoy anymore because we are not there to see. 

He asked if I would be alright with him dating. I said yes and he seemed hurt by it. He doesn’t want to date. He wants me not to want him to. That will obviously mean he doesn’t want me to. 

My daughter says I should cut down my contact with him. I don’t want to be rude to him. I want us to have a healthy relationship as her parents but I feel I’m feeding his hope and no matter how any times I tell him I don’t have feelings for him, he still hopes. 

This weekend was mission accomplished but I’m not sure it’s the type of mission I should be taking. 

8 Comments Add yours

  1. Give it time. It is still very fresh for him, as you were making up your mind a long time before he was. As long as he isn’t crossing your boundaries, try to be patient. I wish I could have had this type of separation from my husband. The last year would have been a lot easier than it has been.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. DFMGhost says:

      I am being patient and I worry for him. I’ve always said he’s not a bad person. We’re just not good for each other. I am being honest with him about my (lack of) feelings for him. He still hopes. He’s not crossing boundaries but he’s also clear that he wants us back together. Easter is coming and it will be more time together.
      It does make it easier in a lot of ways but it also makes me feel responsible for him.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. fattytomend says:

    People make their own decisions. I don’t believe you’re leading him on. And I think he’s old enough to be responsible for his own thoughts,feelings and actions. I don’t think you creating a change can impact him. It is still fresh and I imagine you are both trying to refind your routines. I’m speculating but I feel that as long as you’re okay and don’t feel like you’re uncomfortable or boundaries are crossed than you don’t have to decide to change things. Unless you want to do it for you… If that makes sense.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. DFMGhost says:

      I can’t make it any clearer than I am right now. I said I don’t have romantic feelings for him, I don’t want to get back together and I even told him to date!
      I can’t bring myself to treat him badly. That’s not who I am. And I know I’m not responsible for him but I can’t seem to quash the hope. We are moving on with the divorce and when it’s signed, maybe the penny will drop. 🖤


  3. I agree with BLT but also you will have to be the judge if he mistakes your cordial approach by transforming it into hope. Being nice and grown up for the sake of Raven, does not mean that it is a sign of hope. His world may crush down even harder after all of his efforts and no way of getting back together. And the word effort is the very key here, things never came naturally before and if they require effort it could never turn out into something lasting.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. DFMGhost says:

      He does turn everything into hope. When I asked for the divorce, he asked me if I hated him and if I had someone else. Those were the only reasons in his mind for me to want a split. He’s a very all or nothing person so me being pleasant confuses him. No matter how many times I tell him there’s no way back, because I treat him well, he doesn’t seem to take me seriously. I can’t bring myself to mistreat him. I’m not like that. I will slowly proceed with the divorce. When it’s final, it will have to sink in.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Sophia says:

    It’s noble that you worry about him but it may be premature. Once the divorce is final and he’s “gotten it” he may move on quickly. A good man who believes in marriage and is a good companion is gonna be catnip on dating sites and within a 100 mile radius of your town. Some men believe in marriage/love and be loved and happily ever after, they don’t want to be alone, so they’re motivated to try again. I saw it with my father, who cried and begged my mom to go to counseling with their priest (mom said no- she was done) and 3 years later (after a quick and acrimonious divorce) he was married to a good woman 13 years younger than him. (they’ve been married now for 40 years). I’m a second wife also, married for 28. I’m 8 years younger than him. His ex wife didn’t want to be a wife or mother anymore. Their daughter was only 3 when she decided to move to another state.
    Once things are finalized you may be surprised at what he decides to do, all this worry may be for naught. Concentrate on on you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. DFMGhost says:

      That’s exactly what I hope happens to him. We spent more time together and it’s good to have him as a friend but that’s all for me and I really can’t make it any clearer.
      We have a daughter and I want us to be in good terms because of her mainly. I always say he’s not a bad person but we are not good for each other.
      I will concentrate on me! Thank you for your advice. 💙💖


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