This past weekend I was on a mission. Barely husband was invited to a football match on Saturday so he wouldn’t take Raven to his. It would be easier for him to get there from mine so he came here and we went to a restaurant together for lunch before I dropped him off at the train station.
As Sunday we were going to take Raven to Anime Con in Manchester, he came back here and stayed over in the guest room. Last time she wanted to go, I went with her and ended up inviting one of her friends to come with us not to waste the ticket I had bought months before as barely husband had refused to go last minute.
He was mad at me. At least that was the excuse. It was around that time when we started fighting and talking divorce. The other point is, there, he is completely out of his element. We could see it and even he realised and was having a laugh at his own expense. The ‘I accept but I don’t get’, his left brain fighting his right, was a constant presence.
He survived it with flying colours. It’s the kind of effort he was not willing to put on while we were married. He is now because he wants to be part of his daughter’s life, which is great, but also because he still hopes we’ll be back together in the future.
The second reason is the one that worries me. The trips to and from Manchester left space for awkward conversations, expertly avoided by Raven with the use of earphones and loud music.
He wants me to have ‘an open mind’, to spend time with him and see that he has changed. I know he has but for me it’s still a case of we are happier apart, doing the things we can’t when we’re together. Or at least doing the things that annoy the crap out of each other but they don’t annoy anymore because we are not there to see.
He asked if I would be alright with him dating. I said yes and he seemed hurt by it. He doesn’t want to date. He wants me not to want him to. That will obviously mean he doesn’t want me to.
My daughter says I should cut down my contact with him. I don’t want to be rude to him. I want us to have a healthy relationship as her parents but I feel I’m feeding his hope and no matter how any times I tell him I don’t have feelings for him, he still hopes.
This weekend was mission accomplished but I’m not sure it’s the type of mission I should be taking.