Fear

on

Last night I crashed. I’m not sure why but suddenly I started thinking about the future and the uncertainties got the better of me. I started crying uncontrollably. 

A scene crossed my mind that I would fall in love with someone and be rejected. To be honest, I wasn’t even really rejected in the scene that unfolded from could be called a brain fart, but it seemed my baggage of being almost 40, with a daughter and recently divorced was discouraging my imaginary love interest of getting involved with me. 

Is that what I really think of myself? That I, as a person,  wouldn’t be interesting enough to get someone to love me, getting over these common obstacles in today’s society? 

I am scared. I am pursuing a divorce because I want peace now and I can’t have it while we’re together but, ultimately, I want to feel loved and love someone so deeply that our souls connect. 

Will I ever be able to? 

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18 Comments Add yours

  1. I feel like you just said everything I have been thinking lately!! I will be 40 this year and have 3 boys. I also fear that I will have a hard time finding someone to love me. I have been told by a couple of guys that I am pretty and have a “smoking hot” body and I will find someone easily to spend time with me. Seriously…it is NOT that easy. I don’t want to spend my time with just anyone. If that were the case why would I be in the middle of getting divorced. I want to find my true forever person. The one who loves me unconditionally and doesn’t try to control me. I cry for that kind of love ALL the time. I’m so tired of the tears. Hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. DFMGhost says:

      Gosh! You’ve just said everything that goes through my head! It’s not about finding someone for a bit of sex or for going out. It’s finding someone who connects with you on a deeper level. It’s not easy. I know it and that scares the crap out of me! Hugs!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Ms brown says:

    only time will answer that question… hugz

    Liked by 1 person

    1. DFMGhost says:

      I know… Hugs

      Like

  3. You can only believe that in time, you will connect with the right person. The one who will appreciate you for who you are, who will bring something more to your life, and will complement you in all the ways your husband didn’t. That is my hope and dream for both of us. There are never any guarantees, of course, but the one thing that is certain is that there was no chance of meeting that person while you are still yoked to a man who cannot be those things to you. We get but one life to live, so I can only hope that taking chances with the goal of finding love has to be the better option than playing it safe. I have spent so many nights sobbing on the floor – I understand the fear and uncertainty. If I were there, I’d sit next to you with that bottle of wine, and tell you ridiculous stories until you can laugh again. Hugs, dear.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. DFMGhost says:

      Thank you! You are a dear friend and I know you really understand this part as you often go through similar feelings. I don’t know what came over me to take be down so inadvertently. I’m not dating. I haven’t even met anyone remotely interesting. My mind is playing tricks on me.
      I know I don’t want what’s safe because that safe made me unhappy.
      We need that bottle of wine combined with a dose of girly gossip and drunken confessions! Hugs!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You are most welcome. You have certainly been there for me.

        I don’t always know what gets me in my funks either. They can come on very suddenly after a decent day, or be the result of dealing with a long line of assholes. Who knows. They come less frequently know though, after a year.

        When you decide you want to date, there will likely be an increase in the number of “despair” episodes, because there really are a lot of assholes out there to weed through. It is discouraging…

        Hugs!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. DFMGhost says:

        I’m really not ready to face the assholes! I’m still scared of my own imagination as you see. I’ll take it slowly, break the strings one by one. I don’t want to jump into anything and I don’t want to end up with someone who’s not going to be who I want/need again. I’ll try to be patient. Hugs!

        Liked by 1 person

  4. My husband would probably say we’re all going through a mid life crisis ( I turned 40 last year)! Playing things safe is the easy option but not necessarily the happy one. My affair was probably the one time in my life I’ve ever taken a risk and certainly for the first 9 months until he first went quiet on me, I felt happier and more alive than I have in a long time. I took another risk when I told him how I felt last September and thought he felt the same. Maybe he genuinely did but was also too scared to do anything about it, or maybe he didn’t, I’ll never really know. It did make me realise though, that I can’t carry on as I had been doing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. DFMGhost says:

      My husband has questioned the midlife crisis arguing he had his own (he is now 43). I think it’s not a crisis, but it’s maturity and a turning point when you question ‘is this really how I want to spend the next 40 years of my life?’ This was certainly what I started asking myself and the answer was a clear no.
      My choice was to be creative, blogging and amateur writing. I don’t have anyone but the characters I create who live the love story I wish for myself. I don’t think I’m ready to pursue anything and I am definitely scared of it as this episode showed.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. 😔 I understand how you feel and at times our lives come crashing down when we can no longer be strong. That’s when ego creeps in and takes advantage of our vulnerability. You are an amazing person and everything will fall into place.
    I am passed 50 (Geesh) and if there is hope for me, there is definitely a way for you. Xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. DFMGhost says:

      I have my moments, as I call them. They don’t happen too often but when they do, they are devastating.
      I do hope and I believe there is life beyond 40 or I wouldn’t be taking the risk. Thank you for your support 💙💖

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Always and life does go on, otherwise I’ll be screwed too.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. When you love and care for yourself, it attracts others love as well. Real love is a magnetic …. hug ….. I know it’s scary though. I started over when I was 41, now I’m 60+. I never regretted it. ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

    1. DFMGhost says:

      Thank you! It’s comforting to hear from someone who’s taken the plunge and found happiness. It’s inspiring!
      I want to find my magnetic love. I haven’t felt anything remotely close to it in so long… Thanks for the hugs!

      Liked by 1 person

  7. fattytomend says:

    I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before but a great book to read is feel the fear and do it anyway by susan jeffers. Let go of the anxiety and feel that connection with Another person. Embrace it. Let it reopen your heart. There is always hope. Fear keeps us away from allowing ourselves to leap. I believe you can find that connection. Put yourself out there. Open up. Feel free. And let it come to you. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. DFMGhost says:

      Thank you! It was a moment of panic. They don’t come often but when they do, they’re quite devastating. I cried everything out and had a terrible headache to deal with. I’m okay again. I’m not ready to date just yet but hopefully I’ll be sooner rather than later. I want to enjoy the next 40 years of my life. Thank you and I’ll check the book. 💖💙

      Liked by 1 person

      1. fattytomend says:

        I have those moments a lot. And when I wake up the next morning I feel renewed almost. As if the night before was a type of healing. Letting go of collected pain and fear and somehow just falling into a hole of darkness. I understand those moments. And I understand not being ready to date. But when you are, know that there is always hope. Hug

        Liked by 1 person

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