BROKEN

While I start to put the pieces of me back together, in a slow and meticulous process, I can’t help but feel barely husband is still very much broken. 

Raven went to Drama School, as she does every Saturday morning, and he was supposed to pick her up and go straight to his. Instead, I get a call from him, just as I returned home from dropping her off. He wanted to talk about a couple of things we have to sort out then he asked if he could come around as he was already on his way. 

It is still his house and he wouldn’t really have to ask but it’s nice that he does. I said yes and he was happy. 

He walked in and I made us some tea. He was telling me about all the good things he can do in his new place. He has moved to a relatively big city. His apartment is in a complex where there’s a gym, pubs, restaurants and market all there for him. He’s also within walking distance of the buzzing city centre. He loves that. 

He’s shocked that I haven’t been out. He asked me if I had met up with any friends since my “authors on tour” weekend with my writer friends. He can’t believe I don’t feel like going out. I am content with spending my evenings in with my books. 

I need this time for myself. He doesn’t understand it because he very much wants to go out but he feels lonely and finds it hard to find company. The lack of effort from the past few years has come back to bite. 

He got emotional. He says he agrees with my decisions but they are tough on him. He can’t see himself living like this long term and he says he may move back to the place he grew up in. He feels like a horrible person as this would make his contact with Raven more difficult. It will mean living and ocean apart. 

 He needs to make his decisions and trace his path. I can’t do that for him. I used to do it then get blamed for whatever went wrong.

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9 Comments Add yours

  1. tarnishedsoul says:

    The best thing you said is that you can’t do it for him. This is a lesson I have trouble putting into motion. I always try and live for others and it destroys who we are at our core.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. DFMGhost says:

      I have realised me taking the reigns and the blame was bad as a couple and, now that we are not together anymore, even more so.
      I have my own pieces to put back together. He needs to do his own how he feels is the right way.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. tarnishedsoul says:

        It’s hard…I know it is.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. My husband tells me everytime I see him that I should go out and “work on being happy.” This despite the fact that I have way more friends and would go out with people 10x more than he did. I guess they just have their perception of the “right” way to heal. If staying in and reading is doing you good then yay! Keep doing it. When you need more -do more. Nobody else has to understand. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. DFMGhost says:

      He has difficulty seeing that I can be happy being by myself, on a Saturday night, having a glass of wine while reading a book or chatting to a couple of friends online. He cried when the TV package he chose didn’t have the channels he had when living here. A package which I have cancelled as the TV remains largely untouched since he moved out, apart from Raven watching some Netflix. I can see the differences and, while I respect them, he thinks his is the only way. I honestly pity him sometimes. He will struggle with a lot of things.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. To be honest your idea of a great Saturday night sounds awesome to me! My husband’s “be happy” are pretty much based on the fact that when he asks if I am dating, I say no. Sometimes I say that I have no interest because men are jerks. I say that I suppose as a dig; while I believe many men are jerks, not all are.

        I believe my husband will struggle as well. I see the pit he is slowly digging for himself. It wasn’t so obvious when he had me fixing things, but now…

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Do you think he is checking your reaction if you are sad over him not being there with you? Clearly he can’t relate to the solitude and the peace you have to feel sometimes being alone. Not having to entertain but just letting yourself be exactly the way you need and want to be.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. DFMGhost says:

      He does check my reaction but he’s usually direct: ‘do you miss me?’, ‘do you want to date again? ‘
      He really is struggling to cope. He had never lived by himself before. He always shared the house with at least one friend and they would party constantly. I don’t feel that need. I like to go out but it’s not a necessity. I need peace and quiet right now.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I understand and peace and quiet will give you the strength to put this all behind you in order to go on. Hugs

        Liked by 1 person

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