Two bad arguments in two days. Things are not going well.
The first one started about politics and a bad taste joke from his side that made me snap. I shouldn’t have, especially not in front of Raven. I apologised for snapping but not for my opinion.
The second came about my sexuality. He finally noticed my rainbow badge I’ve had on my fleece for months. He asked what it meant and I looked at him incredulous. Raven laughed.
“It represents the LGBTQ+ community,” I said.
He asked what the letters meant and Raven and I jokingly explained all, including the newly added IA, making it LGBTQIA. It was fine until then even though he looked dumbfounded.
After Raven left to her bedroom, he started asking me questions again about my sexuality because he said he didn’t understand when I joked about being in-between. We’re not at a point to hide anything anymore. I can’t stand hiding anymore. I spelled it out to him clearly: I am bisexual. Actually, I am Pansexual but that would be too much for his brain and would make no difference to his understanding.
He screamed at me. First for telling him. He said he wanted me to lie about it. I said I refuse to hide anything and he either takes me as I am or I’m not even trying anymore. Then he complained about me not telling him before we got married and I had to remind him of the time he made me cry about it. We had been together only a month or two then and not even close to marrying.
Of course he didn’t remember at first. He didn’t remember the scene at all and I remember all the details. Then he vaguely remembered me mentioning having been with girls. I did not lie about it but he rejected it and blocked it from his mind.
Then I got screamed at for being a bad influence on Raven and she shouldn’t be told that’s normal. ‘Thank you for calling me a freak again and your daughter does not need influencing. She’s her own person and knows who she is.’ I would never tell him her secret but he’s in for a shock when she does.
I went to bed crying. Again. I slept like crap. Again. I had to come to work feeling like shit. Again.
He sent me a long message with yet another apology. He says he hadn’t realised how important this is to me. Not even through reading my book, which is worrying. He admits it shouldn’t matter if I’m bi, tri or quad-sexual (his words) because he knows I have never cheated on him.
He says he’s jealous. He’s always been one for jealousy, unlike me, and he admits it’s getting worse now that he sees he’s losing me. And because of it, every time he has an outburst, he pushes me further away but he just can’t stop himself.