Barely husband came home from work yesterday and he didn’t look well. He was down and embraced me, asking me to spend some time with him. I agreed feeling he needed to talk but knowing full well sex would be out of bounds as our latest attempt took me back to my sexual frustration times.

After daughter went to sleep, I made my way to his bedroom while he lay in bed playing on his tablet. He looked very sad and pulled me close, making me lie with him while he cuddled up to me. I was comfortable there. I’ve known him for a very long time; we have shared a lot of things over the years we’ve been together but there was absolutely no desire and no intention from my side for that action to turn into anything more than comforting a friend.

I’m explaining this because it’s where our conversation led us. I am at a point where there are no half truths anymore; no more hiding and I’m being 100% honest. And I was honest with him about all that including the lack of desire for him.

He doesn’t understand it. He’s a very black and white person: he either loves or hates. He says he floats between loving me and hating me and he can’t get over my current apathetic state regarding our relationship.

He thinks because I don’t want to be with him, I must hate him. I don’t. I never have and I told him that. He talked about this with my mom when she was visiting and she tried to explain to him this complexity too because he didn’t comprehend when she said I still liked him. I do.

I am an emotionally complex person. I have always been. The feelings don’t come to me as a single word. There are sides to them. There are nuances. I guess that’s something else he needs to learn.

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