GUILTY AGAIN

Barely husband and I had another conversation to find reasons behind our choices and yet again I find myself guilty of something.

He insists that he’s not the only guilty party and I know he isn’t. I am guilty of not making the brave choice early on; I am guilty of not speaking up AND I am guilty of using him for sex when I knew we were already broken… I’ve listed many of the things I’m to blame for here.

This time we went back to the reasons why we got married. He decided he was at the right age. He decided he wanted a family. He decided I was right for him. Head over heart.

He came up with the theory that I agreed to marry him because that was my way out. I’ve already explained how, after I graduated from University, I was emotionally blackmailed to return home. I didn’t want to but I did. After a year struggling with my parents’ fights and my dad leaving home plus another year of my mother clinging on to me and treating me like a teenager, I desperately needed to get away.

I was looking forward to buying my own place. I had saved a good amount of money. My mom was not too pleased about me living on my own but getting married was the perfect opportunity.

I was not this cold hearted and it was never my plan but my subconscious may have been working then and I ignored every sign that it was a bad idea; that I was not this cynical and my heart meant more to me than that.

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6 Comments Add yours

  1. tarnishedsoul says:

    Relationships are so complicated. I’ve gotten to a point where I can’t care about the past anymore…we’ve both done some horrible things, so laying blame for the relationship doesn’t make sense. I can only handle now and I can only handle me…she needs to make her own decisions for herself.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. DFMGhost says:

      I know… I think we talk to try to understand how we got here. We have been friends and that’s nice. Not enough to maintain the marriage but it’s a big change from the constant arguing and fighting.
      We both have analytical profiles so we have to go through every detail so we’re doing it.
      I missed you, btw! I’ll drop you an email.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. tarnishedsoul says:

        I have a much harder time being online than I used to. I’ll get to the email, but my response might be delayed.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. DFMGhost says:

        I understand. No rush! 🖤🖤🖤

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Don’t be too hard on yourself! We are all smarter when we look backwards but it has value doing that only if you learn and not despair. You can’t change anything looking to the past. It was your journey, this was the path you chose, don’t apologize. None of us are perfect, we are all immature in the beginning. It is what we do with the present that matters. Be loving, through the pain, that’s all you can do. Blessings and hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. DFMGhost says:

      That’s what it is for me. I want to understand my journey and the choices I made so I can make better onea for my future. There’s absolutely no going back.
      Thank you for your continued support! 💙💙💙💙💙

      Liked by 1 person

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