Barely husband and I had another conversation to find reasons behind our choices and yet again I find myself guilty of something.
He insists that he’s not the only guilty party and I know he isn’t. I am guilty of not making the brave choice early on; I am guilty of not speaking up AND I am guilty of using him for sex when I knew we were already broken… I’ve listed many of the things I’m to blame for here.
This time we went back to the reasons why we got married. He decided he was at the right age. He decided he wanted a family. He decided I was right for him. Head over heart.
He came up with the theory that I agreed to marry him because that was my way out. I’ve already explained how, after I graduated from University, I was emotionally blackmailed to return home. I didn’t want to but I did. After a year struggling with my parents’ fights and my dad leaving home plus another year of my mother clinging on to me and treating me like a teenager, I desperately needed to get away.
I was looking forward to buying my own place. I had saved a good amount of money. My mom was not too pleased about me living on my own but getting married was the perfect opportunity.
I was not this cold hearted and it was never my plan but my subconscious may have been working then and I ignored every sign that it was a bad idea; that I was not this cynical and my heart meant more to me than that.