Another day, another fight 

That makes it two in two weekends. Not about Wattpad or jealousy over book characters or complaining about the amount of time I spend giving support to the young readers who reach out to me for help. This time was simply about the banality of sex.

He wants it, I don’t feel like it. He said he wouldn’t mix things, in that we were having sex because of our friends with benefits arrangement, not because things are fine between us. I knew he would and it was my weakness to give it to him before.

Things have improved on a day to day basis, considering we can sit together, have a conversation, laugh… Basically have fun and enjoy each other’s company but my heart is not there as it should be. I enjoy his company indeed but there is no attraction, no wanting from my side. He is becoming a friend. Just a friend.

That’s not the result he wants. Definitely not. That’s where I’m at. I don’t know if the desire will ever come back; if my feelings will ever come back.

I can’t even say what I want because he is trying to do everything I said I wanted from him and it’s not enough.

Is it a case of it being 10 years too late? 

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10 Comments Add yours

  1. tarnishedsoul says:

    I came to a realization lately: I can not make another person happy. Although, I can make them unhappy, I cannot make them happy.

    Granted, I haven’t come to a point of decision making, but I can see things a little more clearly and I am working on being less codependent- it seems like you are comfortable knowing how you feel. His inability to accept it, is not your issue.

    I heard a great line the other day:

    Love without honesty is codependency; honesty without love is brutality.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. DFMGhost says:

    I’m trying to be honest. I’m trying, even if I don’t feel it. It gets harder every day.
    I think I know where we’re going but he can’t accept it.
    Our fights are not screaming matches anymore. Still they hurt in a different way.
    I understand the codependency you talk about. There is love, just not the type he wants.

    Like

  3. I don’t know the answer to your question about it being too little too late and you most likely will never know. I often wonder what would have happened in my own marriage if Anderson would have ever even tried to turn things around. To be those things that he promised he was. I will never know the answer either. But my therapist gave good advice – To try as hard as you need to, in order to feel acceptance that you did all that you could.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. DFMGhost says:

      He is trying. I am trying. The problem is that our efforts don’t seem to be taking us to the same place. I will still try because I feel like I owe the years we spent together the effort. My question is: when is the time to stop?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I guess the only answer I have is when you are ready to stop. When you believe in your heart it is over. My decision felt like flipping a coin at first. You may always question if you made the right choice sometimes. But then, like me, you will begin to have moments where you know you did. Hugs…

        Liked by 1 person

      2. DFMGhost says:

        Thank you. I have decided to stop a couple of times but that’s when he back pedals and literally begs for us to try again. I am a bit lost to be honest. Hugs.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. My husband did that as well. He would promise to change, promise to get counseling, promise to go to the doctor, promise, promise, promise. At some point I had to accept that all they ever were was promises, with no actual change. But it is hard to know when enough is enough. I suppose when it the relationship is hurting you more than it is helping you. And from an outsider’s perspective, you are long beyond that point.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. DFMGhost says:

        He is trying. I can’t deny it but I got to a point where I’m so broken, this trying doesn’t change how I feel. He broke me and now this is the consequence.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Since we ran into each other, we have discovered many similarities and if we have some here too, then I have to say that it is too late and those feelings probably will not return. I wish I could say different and perhaps it could be different for you as it was for me.
    Just like me I think you have put up with unhappy, less than ideal situations for a long long time. You got hurt over and over and your heart hardened a bit. You care and you will always love him but being in love is what your heart yearns for and that is missing. You no longer settle for your friends with benefits arrangement, it just sex, leaving you empty afterwards, feeling even worse. So what’s the point you might say and in a way your heart who is not in it anymore is trying to protect you from the very pain it is feeling from empty encounters.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. DFMGhost says:

      I have definitely hardened. I don’t feel like I used to. It’s tough. I think my main doubt is if I will ever be able to find someone who will sweep me off my feet in the kind of love I write about. He has noticed it from reading my book and he thinks that’s unattainable. I don’t know. Maybe I’m dreaming but maybe, just maybe, that’s possible.

      Liked by 1 person

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