The other part of my conversation with barely husband, the one that hit me harder, was the conclusion that we were never IN LOVE with each other. 

There was love. Love that we developed through a certain compatibility and enjoying each other’s company but it seems I did what I never thought I would: I let my head completely rule my heart. 

He was the right type, with the right credentials. I wasn’t even attracted to him in the beginning! 

This is what he always admitted he had done: I was the right type and he didn’t exactly find me attractive first time he saw me. But I checked most boxes in his initial checklist of requirements. 

He still thinks that’s the right way to do it while I can’t believe I did it myself, albeit unknowingly.

He said there was never ‘passion’ and, when I think about it, he’s correct. During our month long break-up, I was already almost over him when he came back chasing me.

Why did I go back? Did I feel safe? Did I just want sex, which was good? I don’t know! 

As I reflect again on the things I want in a relationship, I see just how I messed this up.

As we drifted apart and find ourselves not so compatible anymore, there’s no strong feeling tying us.

I’m just there, going through the motions. 

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