HEARTFELT CONVERSATION 1

Barely husband and I sat down for another sincere conversation a few days ago. There’s no point in hiding anything anymore and we have been completely honest and straight forward with each other. 

It was obvious that he’s finding the concept of divorce a lot more difficult to grasp than I am. The only reason I could find for it is our parents’ examples. 

It took my parents, my mom more specifically, over 25 years of being miserable to finally take steps towards a split. She wasn’t direct like I’ve been lately. The relationship reached a point where they didn’t even talk to each other except to fight in the house. It deteriorated and they lost the respect for each other as individuals, with my dad constantly trying to impose his will. But, in the end,  they did divorce and are much better off like that.

My mom is the one worse off. Not financially,  as she kept the house (a present from her father which my dad honoured) and her sizable inheritance to which my dad never laid claim.

The scars are emotional: she still feels some sort of shame for failing. He sister puts up with a serial cheater husband in the name of family honour and even though there’s no criticism towards my mother, I’m sure she often feels like a failure, which aggravates her depression that started with work related problems.

She closed herself off to any other relationship. She refuses to even go out and is adamant she does not want another man to rule her life, not seeing it does not have to be like that. 

His parents, even with his dad cheating and leaving them for his lover for a while, are still together. They live a sexless, passive – aggressive relationship, with constant screaming matches that shock me but they are still together.

Divorce is the ultimate horror in his mother’s view and she constantly asks me if there’s no chance of my parents getting back together. Considering my dad has since remarried and him and my mom are not good for each other, she should know the answer by now.

As I sit here and think about my choices, I feel like none of the above is right for me. If I proceed with the divorce, I don’t want to be ashamed. I don’t want to let it drag me down.

If I decide to remain married, it will not be for any social status that I really don’t give a crap about. 

As with any decision I have ever made in my life, I want to hold my head high and proudly say I took the reigns and I did what I wanted to do. 

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3 Comments Add yours

  1. chainbreakercorporation says:

    All marriages are failed and please stop beating yourself up. You are badass for putting up with all this. And i say this as being married twice.

    Like

  2. For a long time I saw things this way. I have one auaunand one cousin who are divorced and have to go back to my great grandmother to find a third divorce in my famiy tree. I am gradually getting over it.

    My therapist said I needed to feel that I did everything I could do to salvage my marriage. Since ultimately my husband said he no longer wanted to be, I feel like I did.

    I want passion. I want to be in love. And I am willing to risk being alone in order to find it…

    You seem so over it. Why are you staying?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. MLYGhost says:

      Good question! Sometimes I ask myself why I stay.
      It seems I want to exhaust all possibilities, to make sure it cannot be saved. He’s trying extremely hard now, like he’s never done before. It may be a case of too little, too late but I don’t have anything or anyone to give me a final push.
      We are still taking steps towards the trial separation. It will show me better how I feel completely without him around. I think I know what it’s going to be but we’ll see.

      Liked by 1 person

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