I have said before I am a very sexual person. I have told you of how I used barely husband as my ‘friend with benefits’ without his knowledge and when he found out he basically told me off for it. I have also told you of how I take matters upon my own hands sometimes. The fact is, with our new arrangements and the lack of sexual activities, sometimes has turned into often.

Then I got caught. It is a strange things and I was not embarrassed in the least but I was pissed off! I was in the shower, enjoying myself a little too much, it seems. I thought I was being quiet but obviously not. The stupid lock has been broken forever and he just walked in, without knocking. He couldn’t see much because my towel was hanging over the screen handle but what I was doing, especially after my reaction screaming for him to get out, was obvious.

I was extremely angry that he felt he could just walk in. He has asked me not to get changed in front of him as it brings feelings of desire he wants to contain because I have said clearly I will not have sex with him until and if I decide I want to remain married. This anger made me cry and cry and cry.

In his defence, he said he walked in because he thought I was crying and that seriously pissed me off because none of the times when I was actually crying, he came to see me.

The following day we decided to talk about it in our new open way. It wasn’t too bad then. He seemed surprised that I do it. He never thought I would. Why some men think women don’t masturbate is beyond me. He doesn’t know how to react as it turns out to be something else he didn’t know about me and seems to be caught in between being offended that I wouldn’t have sex with him but would have the need to please myself sexualy and being relieved that I am not having an affair to do so.

He’s gone as far as accuse me of having an affair a few times with no basis for it whatsoever. I don’t want an affair! I’ve said it a million times! It seems to him that, maybe because of his family history, all marital problems involve an affair and that would explain my lack of desire for him. For me it goes a lot deeper and he should have understood that by now. Maybe I’m asking too much because he has made a lot of progress in the comprehension department.

His new suggestion is that I return to my friends with benefits use of him. How kind! – please note the sarcasm! He’s suggesting I do exactly the thing he said he refused to accept. He wants sex, I know that. Probably more than I do, so he’s playing his cards, with added loads of sausages and dildos innuendos.

I think he’ll mix things up and that will not be a wise move on my part. My period came the following day easily earning a good excuse to delay any decisions. I’ve never been so glad for it!

6 Comments Add yours

  1. Henry says:

    I suppose that one cannot blame him for trying?

    Being emotionally present for you doesn’t seem to be within his capabilities. Has he ever been capable of that in the past?

    I haven’t yet taken to self-pleasuring in the 19-month absence of marital intimacy. I can’t bring myself to do it. It was not something that I wanted and I feel unwanted and undesirable. I just leave everything alone and deal with the rest of life. I take the approach that I am not confined to a wheelchair, reduced to a paraplegic (this is not said flippantly or with insensitivity towards those who actually deal with paralysis) with no life in my sexual organs. They remain unused as they are entirely unnecessary.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. MLYGhost says:

      I don’t blame him for trying. I just don’t appreciate the hypocrisy. He started criticising me for doing it and even tried to deny it when I said I knew he did it too. Then the suggestion we can be friends with benefits when not long ago he chastised me for doing so. I’m all for equal rights and responsibilities and that’s exactly why I’ve always paid half the bills inn the house.
      Hell knows my life would be much easier if I simply didn’t want sex. The problem is I am not getting the connection I want from sex and if it’s just physical, I can do it myself. Sad but true.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Henry says:

        It is entirely about the physical and emotional connection. It is intimacy. The idea of “friends with benefits” is so foreign.


  2. Sex alone is only fulfilling to a degree and you are yearning for more than just the physical sensation. That you can do by yourself and need nobody’s help. It was also what led to complete abstinence in my marriage as I could no longer hold back the tears after sex, being physically satisfied but emotionally left like an empty shell. It was nothing more than a act lacking the connection.
    His actions are hard to recognize as true concern when he chastises you but then all of a sudden shows care and concern. Confusing as hell and especially during this time of your marriage. Who needs extra confusion and drama? So it’s hard to tell what his motives really are and maybe he is just trying to get a reaction / answer of some sort.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. MLYGhost says:

      He is definitely trying to get a reaction. And he misses the sex but I don’t appreciate the hypocrisy. It’s wrong when it doesn’t suit him but it’s right when it does.
      Just for the physical side, I have it covered. For the deeper emotional connection I crave, not really but it’s not something I can sort out right now. *sigh*

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I know. Hugs xoxoxo

        Liked by 1 person

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