Yesterday I was surprised by an unexpected delivery in the office: a beautiful flower bouquet comprised of white daisies and champagne roses. It was from barely husband. Even though he has given me flowers before, it had never been in a public space when no event needed to be marked (e.g. wedding anniversary), explaining my shock and the curious faces of my co-workers, who gathered around expectantly while I opened the card.
It demonstrated well how things have been between us. We are at peace but I still refuse to go back to married life as if nothing had happened. It will just reactivate the fights and battle mode, I’m sure. The pressure would return and there’s something I really don’t need or want.
We are not sleeping together. I used my friends with benefits tactics before and when he realised I was doing it without feelings, as just sex, he was hurt. He had all reason to be and I will not repeat my wrongdoing there. Every time we were together it gave him false hope that I was still in love with him when I was as hard as a rock.
We are chatting daily, like we haven’t done in years but it’s not enough. At least not yet. I don’t know what the future holds but we are willing to find out in a grown up way. Through these chats there are things that we have decided to do.
After a previous fight, he decided to spend the holidays with his family. I was honestly relieved that he made the choice. Before the fight, we were going to travel to Belgium to spend Christmas with one of my old school friends and his family. I had started dreading the prospect of him being there, getting irritated by old time stories (like mention of an ex-boyfriend) and picking a fight with me in someone else’s house. I decided then I didn’t want to go and he freaked out and made the decision to go wherever he wanted to. That’s where he’d always wanted to go, so I was glad he did. Now we’re still sticking to that and I’m staying home with Raven.
He’s moving out, at least during the week. One of the main causes of his bad mood is the daily commute to work. He hates it. So he’s looking for a flat where he can stay during the week, also giving us a break from each other and time to think about what we want. We may see that being apart is the best option or it may rekindle feelings and make us realise we do want to stay together. There’s no guarantee.
He also complains that he has no time to take care of himself, to go to a gym or practice some sport. By taking away the commuting time, he’ll have over 2 hours to do just that every day. I’m hoping he finds his peace.
And I sure hope I find mine.