It also gave me the opportunity, for the first time ever, to apply a total honesty policy without being interrupted. Every time we tried to talk like this, he interrupted me. Countless times I lost my train of thought while he talked back and that invariably ended on a screaming match that only hurt us more.
So I wrote. He was writing back but I was not reading. I poured my heart out into my writing to him, just like I do when writing my posts or my book. I’ll quote some parts.
It wasn’t something sudden. It gradually wore me out. Every time we fought, many times for ridiculous things, you said horrible things to me which left scars. After a long time, I realised that, when you were angry, you would say everything that came up in your head with the sole intention of hurting me. You don’t even remember what you told me after the fight. I do. I remember all of it.
And every time you threatened to leave me, that you said I was worthless, you destroyed part of me. I cried then felt more and more numb, until I got to a point where I feel nothing. NOTHING!
The only person who breaks that wall is Raven. No one else is allowed in. I can’t show affection. I am not capable of even trying.
He said he was only trying to shake me to get a reaction and he thought it was the right way to make me do something because that’s how he was taught, how he was raised. He put up an armour around him and he’s always had it up. He wanted me to be proud of him and he doesn’t feel like I’m proud of him because his English is not perfect like mine and he doesn’t feel his current job title is not great.
I don’t want to be shaken. I don’t want to be pushed. I don’t want to be attacked. You can’t show affection through aggression of any sort and every time you pushed me further and further away from you. They are contradictions.
This pride need is in your head. I would not be proud of you because of money, cool car or job title. I would be proud of you for dedicating yourself to your work, for doing what you love, for reaching your goals with pride.
He complained I don’t let him read my Wattpad book and I argued it would make him uncomfortable theme wise and I can’t stand more fights. Then I found out he had read most of it that day, before sending me the message.
I think I know how he found it but that’s not the point. He said that only by reading it, he understood me; he saw ME for the first time and how he had torn me. How his refusal to even acknowledge my sexuality and his remarks upset me. Now he understands why I would get so angry with his ‘jokes’.
I had to stop because I was writing in the toilet at work and I had to get back to the office. The conversation would continue at home…
We are not fixed by any means. We are not even together right now but there’s a sense of rebuilt respect. We’re trying to be friends and he wants to know me. I’ll give him the chance to know me.
I made no promises regarding my feelings. I don’t know if they will ever come back but this is the most honest attempt on his part and through it, even if we carry on with the divorce, I hope we’ll part on good terms.