It has been a tough weekend. Saturday morning, when I wrote my cry out post, would be just the start of numerous conversations and copious amounts of tears. Tears from barely husband and I, because Raven didn’t cry. Not a single tear.
She asked me “Mom, am I a horrible person for not crying?”. I told her no, especially because, even though she’s not crying now, she shed so many tears over the past few months that I think all the pain is numbed now.
I said before that I thought she secretly wished for this divorce and I guess I was right. She hasn’t always wanted but we caused her so much pain with the fights and arguments and she’s seen me completely dejected so many times that it hurt more than the actual split.
I pleaded guilty to my sins, the sins I mentioned before, and he was hurt, especially by the using him for sex part. That was the first thing he asked and the fact that for me it was being just sex hit him hard.
I decided to confess everything: that I have no feelings, that I can’t put any effort into the relationship anymore because my heart is not in it, same reason I don’t show affection. I just can’t do it anymore.
He wants hate. He wants drama. I can’t even give him that. I tell him I don’t hate him. I’m just numb. He wants me to say something to make him hate me. I can’t do that either because I haven’t done/will not do anything to cause hate.
He’s shattered and I feel guilty. He wanted me to tell Raven the split is my doing because he doesn’t want it. So we did and she held on to him while he cried. She consoled him and he says it’s wrong and we ruined her childhood. Raven hasn’t been a child for a long time.
And now, as I type, he’s just sent me a message saying how much he loves me and that he’s never said it enough but he can’t live without me among other things. And as I bawl my eyes out in the office (empty again as I’m lucky) I have to think of how I’m going to reply to that. He’s begging me and I don’t know if I can handle this.