I feel defeated. I am writing on the spot. It’s not something I usually do because I like to prepare something logical and coherent to post. Right now I’m not feeling logical and coherent. I had a little breakdown today. Another argument about something very silly tipped me over the edge.
We were out and I held on. I didn’t pursue a fight. I just stayed quiet. Back at home I went to the guest bedroom. Who am I kidding? It’s my bedroom. We haven’t slept in the same bed on a day to day basis for years and, this may surprise you, it had nothing to do with our marriage crisis.
Barely husband decided one day we should sleep in separate bedrooms. He said it would be more comfortable for both, avoiding the snoring and inconvenience from different rising times. I argued against it at the time but he was adamant. He prepared the guest bedroom for him and even bought a new double bed for it. Not long after, I was the one pushed out to the guest bedroom but whatever. Sex was then reduced to when I remembered I should go after him or when he complained about the lack of it. Hell! You bloody kicked me out.
It was just one more thing to drive us apart over the years and now it suits me perfectly fine as basically I decide when to have sex and I do it for my friends with benefits purposes. It was working but last time was bad. I was left unsatiated and sexually frustrated. One more step towards the storm I have been expertly avoiding.
This avoidance comes at a cost. I feel exhausted. I use up all my energy to fight the urge to run away; to scream. I had a little meltdown. I was texting with a Wattpad friend and I told her about my blog. I broke down in tears. I cried and I cried and I cried. I’m glad she couldn’t see me but Raven could. And I hate that she feels responsible for me; that she needs to take care of me. She doesn’t! I am her mother, not the other way around.
And as I type this, tears fall freely down my cheeks again, my head is pounding and hell knows how I’m going to sleep and make it to work tomorrow.
I feel dejected.