DUALITY OF ME

One of the things I have established in my posts is that I am bisexual. I have kissed girls and there’s no question in my mind that I would have dated a woman if I had feelings for her. I have also written about the only time I approached the subject with my husband, when we were in the beginning of our relationship and his horrifying reaction to it.

That hurt me a lot at the time. It still hurts me when I think about it. It’s something that’s very easily hidden as I have been with him for 15 years, meaning in a ‘straight’ relationship, but I feel more and more that he is in love with a lie, a person that doesn’t exist. He rejects something that is essentially part of me. It doesn’t matter who I’m dating: I am what I am and I can’t change.

Another time I was seriously disappointed with his attitude was during a family gathering. We were chatting and my brother started rounds of ‘would you rather’. His wife came up with ‘would you rather your daughter be a lesbian or a prostitute?’. We didn’t have kids then, so it was all clearly imagination, pure game and nothing directed at Raven as she was not in the picture yet, so his reaction was just the more absurd. He went on a rant about how he preferred the prostitute and no one agreed with him. He was being very homophobic and my sister-in-law pushed all the right buttons in the argument, which escalated to a screaming match. I had to leave with him.

Later, very calmly,  I explained my reasons and he understood, but still rejected my choice. He was almost in denial that having a gay child would be a possibility, so I don’t even want to think about his reaction when he finds out about Raven’s bisexuality. It will obviously be my fault and you know what? Fuck it! I will proudly take the blame for having a wonderful child who knows and accepts herself.

Why am I bringing this subject up again? Last week, while having a random chat with my colleagues at work, we decided to name, on the spot, someone famous who we thought was really hot and that we would sleep with. I am the only woman in my team and named Theo James (I do think he’s gorgeous). One of my colleagues named Margot Robbie and I immediately gushed ‘Oh yeah! She’s so hot!!!”

That led to another colleague saying how he admired women for just saying it when they thought another woman was attractive, unlike men. He then proceeded to tell us of this conversation he had with his partner, when she confirmed she would sleep with Margot Robbie too:

“So, you’re bisexual then?” he asked.

“No, I’m not,” she replied. “It would be a one off thing, but I definitely would do it.”

“But that means you’re bisexual,” he said.

“No, it doesn’t,” she shrugged. 

He dropped the subject with her, as that discussion would lead them nowhere, however, like him, I know she is bisexual but is probably caught up in the common misconceptions, thus denying it. What struck me the most was that he also said it was totally fine. They have been together for many years and have just had a third child together. He didn’t feel there was anything wrong with it or any need to criticise it and I felt extremely jealous. All I want is the same acceptance!

To top it up, when I asked Raven what she wants for Christmas she said:

“I want my dad to accept me the way I am.”

That broke my heart.

 

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4 Comments Add yours

  1. Oh my, those last words of your post are breaking my heart and that makes me sad. All the stereo types, all the hiding of our true existence, it’s awful we have to behave this way only to find acceptance and fit in. My heart goes out to both of you. Hugs xoxoxoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. MLYGhost says:

      She knows I’m with her all the way and I’ll help her through it. She already sees and understands things with an astounding clarity. When I was that young I simply didn’t understand what I was feeling and dismissed it.
      I only realised who I am much later. Things might have been different had I had someone to talk to and explain it to me, but who knows?
      Thank you for your support ❤️❤️❤️

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You are probably right and they could have been different for you as well, but we never know and speculations is all there is.
        Raven is lucky to have your support and the speculations are minimized which allows her also to see things with more clarity. So a big part of the credit does go to you. Great job my friend ❤️❤️❤️

        Liked by 1 person

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