VERDICT: GUILTY!

We had another fight this weekend. To be honest, it wasn’t a fight per se; it was more of a discussion, a civil argument, but the contents were just as meaningful as the big fights.

Barely husband started feeling a bit ill Friday evening, having a sore throat, which always means a nasty bout of cold, if not flu. That also means bad mood. And so it was.

Saturday morning I woke up early to take Raven to a much promised and anticipated Performing Arts taster lesson at a new branch of a renowned Academy that is opening up in our town. We had discussed this weeks ago, when I brought the leaflet home, as well as the implications of blocking Saturday mornings in the family calendar. He was fine with it then and even requested an information pack from said Academy website. But faced with bad mood morning, it all changed.

Before we left, he asked Raven to leave the room so he could ‘discuss something’ with me. As it turns out, he was requesting that I re-think her attending these lessons as it would mean losing the Saturdays, which was exactly what we had discussed before.

guilty-hands-on-face

I took her anyway, hoping she would hate it so I wouldn’t have to deal with it. Me being a coward again! How wonderful is it? But I knew she would love it! She’s very artistic: she loves singing, drawing, dancing and has a flare for drama and performing. On her birthday 2 years ago she asked me for singing lessons or some other artistic lesson, which I never got around to giving her. Everything I found would involve driving her back and forth during the week over the period I’m stuck at work 40 minutes away. But this was doable. 3 lessons concentrated on a Saturday morning, costing less than I used to pay for her 30 minute horse riding lessons once a week.

And so she did love it. Her face lit up more and more with every lesson. She was jumping excitedly and when they came out for a quick break and even more during the little performance they put together during those 3 lessons. I would never say ‘no’ to her; not for her wanting to do something she loved, not for her being so happy. So I signed her up on the spot, like most parents there did. There was a limited number of places and I really didn’t want her to miss out. Time to draw up some courage, bitch!

We picked barely husband up for lunch and I did mention, en passant, that I had applied for her place. As I found out later, he did not understand or pay attention, which is his normal behaviour. He never pays attention to what I tell him and I’m often accused of not telling him something, so I was not surprised.

He found it through Raven while walking the dog, when she was excitedly telling him what she would learn and do. I knew something was wrong the second they walked back into the house. Raven looked upset and went straight to her bedroom. He came to talk to me in the kitchen. He was calm, but he was accusing. For the first time I could not defend myself. It was all true!

guilty-feeling-web

  • He said he doesn’t feel I’m putting any effort to mend our relationship. He is trying to comply, but I’m still distant. Well, I am. His improved behaviour avoids fights and us getting on each other’s nerves, but I still feel numb. I said that and he rolled his eyes. It’s not a quickie solution: “Let me be nice to her a couple of weeks and she’ll love me again!” No, this has been ongoing for years and I suspect it would take the same time to fix it as it took to break it – GUILTY!
  • He said I don’t show affection, that he is trying to hug me, cuddle and give me compliments. He is, but I still feel it’s all chasing sex and his compliments always sound sarcastic, even if he swears he doesn’t mean them that way – GUILTY!
  • He said I only look for him when I want sex and he refuses to be my friend with benefits – I’ve already confessed to this here so GUILTY!
  • He said Raven’s new lessons would mean putting additional strain in the marriage as once again he’ll be sacrificing something with nothing in return. Quid Pro Quo, remember? He’s upset that we don’t want to get up early for him, but we’ll both do it for US, as if this is a battle and she’s my ally.

guilty-not-guilty

For this one I at least attempted to defend my actions: I will not sacrifice Raven and her happiness. I blatantly refuse to do so. She has been asking for this for a while and I will not take it away from her. She’s a fantastic daughter and she doesn’t ask for much, but he still thinks she’s spoiled like I was.

I don’t think I was spoiled, by the way, but my mom made sure I had and did a lot of nice things growing up, even if it meant facing up to my dad on occasions, something she never did otherwise. Barely husband’s childhood was somewhat troubled by his parents’ relationship, which I won’t go into depth here as it probably would be worth a whole post. Because of that, he thinks I had everything easy;

My conclusion is, even though justified, I’m still GUILTY!

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15 Comments Add yours

  1. fattytomend says:

    It takes time to heal. He can’t expect things to rubber band to awesomeness.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. MLYGhost says:

      I know that and I feel it. I know he is trying. He is trying really hard, but my numbness is so deeply ingrained that I don’t know if I will ever be able to make it go away. That’s my conundrum.
      I am trying, but there are things I can’t get myself to do, physically and mentally.

      Like

      1. fattytomend says:

        Have you tried individual therapy?

        Liked by 1 person

      2. MLYGhost says:

        He tried once before and said it was a waste of time. I don’t feel it’s the answer for me either.
        The main problem for us is that we are creatures from different worlds. I now refuse to compromise myself and my beliefs as I used to do and that causes conflict.
        He is a good person. The differences have just caught up with us.

        Like

      3. fattytomend says:

        Oh ok. That’s cool. For me individual therapy helped cos lots of my wounds and reactions are from childhood. So it’s helped me become aware of it

        Liked by 1 person

      4. MLYGhost says:

        I understand and it is the best thing in many cases, usually when you have things to work out that you don’t understand. For us, we know the problem. We have discussed it in depth. The question is if we can overcome the differences or not. We’re trying but trying is not always enough.

        Like

      5. fattytomend says:

        Yeah cos it’s trying plus work plus life plus stress plus your daughter. Maybe a weekend away might help. Just the two ofyou

        Liked by 1 person

      6. MLYGhost says:

        We had a whole week not long ago. My mom took my daughter away on holiday. We were fine during the week, as we are during the short periods after agreeing to try. We went out, had fun, sex was good… But it doesn’t last. We get back to the cycle.
        I would really really like to go back to feeling how I felt in the beginning or maybe not… And that’s the point. I would like the feeling of being in love with him but not lose sight of who I am in the process. I don’t want to be a reflection of what he judges is a perfect wife.

        Like

      7. fattytomend says:

        Oooh check out savingshards. Shes great. Still in her marriage after infidelity and it’s going strong. I’m sure she’ll have some great ideas. I think a lot of it might just be life stress. Sometimes it’s just one thing that’s affecting everything…

        Liked by 1 person

      8. MLYGhost says:

        Will do. Thank you!

        Like

  2. I am so sorry to hear it but I would also be lying if I said that this is not predictable behavior and it will happen over and over. Your heart has left a long time ago and you know it is just your mind and guilty conscience for whatever you feel is your fault that still keeps you.
    It will take time and in the meantime I’m glad you have a way to write about it to not let it harbor inside. You are a strong lady and if pushed into the corner, in this case standing up for Raven, you will do so. Many hugs xoxoxo.

    Like

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