I am living the biggest lie and do you know the worst part? I am the only one getting hurt by it. Stuck in my eternal cycle, barely husband and I have made up again.
As I explained before, I don’t hate him, there’s no abuse and he’s a good person. Our problem is that the differences seem to have caught my feelings up. We’re in a stage of our relationship where we should be friends more than anything and that is something I think we’ll never be.
I don’t desire him. Don’t take me wrong: I like sex; I always have, but I don’t look at him and think ‘I want to shag you right now’ like I used to. I avoid it as much as possible, until I get to a point where I think ‘I want sex! I need sex!’. It’s not him I crave, it’s the feeling, the need to be sexually pleased and satisfied.
I am not about to have an affair either. There isn’t a single person I have met that attracts me in the slightest, let alone someone who will make me fall in love. If it’s just for sex, I go back to the safe option. Safe in two senses: health and quality.
The bed is the place where we have always agreed the most and apart from a brief period, not long ago, when he felt I ‘wasn’t there’ and I could feel a serious lack of effort from his part – and maybe mine too – that’s where we still agree.
I have said I want out twice by now. After the initial verbal aggression, he cries and begs me not to leave him. He says he loves me and doesn’t want our marriage to fail. He pulls on my heartstrings with that and I end up sucking up and giving up. I can’t break him like that. I can’t destroy him. Honestly, he doesn’t deserve it.
So here I am again, writing this as a way to release some steam, let it out. It’s a scream, a cry for help, maybe (?) I don’t know. Only I can help myself, but I can’t do it if that means hurting someone else so badly.
I carry on, living a lie, hiding behind my writing, dreaming I could be one of my characters. I tell my deepest feelings to people who have never seen my face; People who don’t even know my real name!!! And, strangely, I feel connected to these people and they connect to me in a way the real faces don’t.
I need to say to YOU, my reader, thank you for being there. Thank you for reading, commenting and liking what I write. Without you I’d be even more screwed than I currently am!