LIVING A LIE

I am living the biggest lie and do you know the worst part? I am the only one getting hurt by it. Stuck in my eternal cycle, barely husband and I have made up again.

As I explained before, I don’t hate him, there’s no abuse and he’s a good person. Our problem is that the differences seem to have caught my feelings up. We’re in a stage of our relationship where we should be friends more than anything and that is something I think we’ll never be.

I don’t desire him. Don’t take me wrong: I like sex; I always have, but I don’t look at him and think ‘I want to shag you right now’ like I used to. I avoid it as much as possible, until I get to a point where I think ‘I want sex! I need sex!’. It’s not him I crave, it’s the feeling, the need to be sexually pleased and satisfied.

I am not about to have an affair either. There isn’t a single person I have met that attracts me in the slightest, let alone someone who will make me fall in love. If it’s just for sex, I go back to the safe option. Safe in two senses: health and quality.

safe

The bed is the place where we have always agreed the most and apart from a brief period, not long ago, when he felt I ‘wasn’t there’ and I could feel a serious lack of effort from his part – and maybe mine too – that’s where we still agree.

I have said I want out twice by now. After the initial verbal aggression, he cries and begs me not to leave him. He says he loves me and doesn’t want our marriage to fail. He pulls on my heartstrings with that and I end up sucking up and giving up. I can’t break him like that. I can’t destroy him. Honestly, he doesn’t deserve it.

So here I am again, writing this as a way to release some steam, let it out. It’s a scream, a cry for help, maybe (?) I don’t know. Only I can help myself, but I can’t do it if that means hurting someone else so badly.

I carry on, living a lie, hiding behind my writing, dreaming I could be one of my characters. I tell my deepest feelings to people who have never seen my face; People who don’t even know my real name!!! And, strangely, I feel connected to these people and they connect to me in a way the real faces don’t.

I need to say to YOU, my reader, thank you for being there. Thank you for reading, commenting and liking what I write. Without you I’d be even more screwed than I currently am!

Soundtrack: She Keeps me Warm – Mary Lambert

 

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8 Comments Add yours

  1. tarnishedsoul says:

    First, I think this is a great place to let out those inner feelings that hinder us.

    Next – as hypocritical as I am – you have no ability to please another person, beyond what they can find happiness. Granted, I do think there are things you can do to negatively impact a person, but when your intentions are not designed to hurt and they find hurt anyways, you’re under no obligation to change yourself to meet that irrational need. You must do what’s best for you, first. I had this very argument this weekend – my spouse deserves a happy partner – sometimes that means finding that happiness in something else (I have a hobby that I absolutely love, that I have stopped doing because she dislikes it…but I’m miserable without it).

    Liked by 1 person

    1. MLYGhost says:

      It is hard and the point for me is there isn’t a definite reason for me to leave, like a nasty story or so.
      I am at least putting my foot down regarding the things I like and he doesn’t. I will not deprive or stop myself anymore.
      I don’t think this situation will last forever meaning I will not stand this forever, but right now I just can’t do it.
      Some days I get down about it and when there is a fight it’s nasty, but most of the time it’s more like ‘meh!’
      You should pursue your hobby if it makes you happy. At least that! 😊

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Don’t worry. We are all screwed up. Me on the first place… I’m too going through a rough patch right now and I am too trying to survive in a situation that I don’t like. Not relationship (at least not entirely) related, but I understand when you say that you are living a lie, because it is exactly how I have been feeling for the past year…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. MLYGhost says:

      It’s funny how we all attract each other! I also find it comforting. It’s good not to feel alone and to talk without worrying about hurting anyone.
      It seems we all choose to ease the pain through writing, all with different styles and ideas and we appreciate each other’s effort and the pain.
      One of my followers that I followed back closed his healing process this week. He posted two very happy things and decided to end his blog, pursuing his newfound life. I was very happy for him and I want to heal too, but I don’t think I’d stop writing. I love this!
      Writing makes me happy and I have met so many wonderful people through it, you being one of them, that I just couldn’t leave it.
      I hope you heal too, from whatever troubles you, but I also hope, like me, you keep writing and bringing happiness. 😘😘😘😘

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Hello my dear friend, I have missed you while I was done and I was thinking about up in the mountains. How closely our stories are and how much I relate to every word you say as if you were speaking from my heart.
    It is the heart and the mind of the matter that don’t agree with each other just yet. You have all the answers and the mind is rational, knowing what it wants, what will never be and that your happiness and desires are no longer with barely there husband. Yet the heart knows that he is a good man, that you both made mistakes (which you feel guilty for your part) and you are not innocent in all that has transpired. You love him enough not wanting to hurt him and therefore you sacrifice your own happiness over and over because you can’t go on with the burden in your mind that you destroyed him. It is temporary and it will pass as more things add to the unhappy list. One day the day will come you will no longer compromise and give up on your happiness for a barely there existence and life will fall into place how it was meant to be for you. I know you know this my friend and you are only doing the best you can for the time being. Chin up princess or the crown slips 😉. Many hugs to you ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  4. MLYGhost says:

    I missed you too! And difficult as it is, I can only power through it and wait for that moment when I feel it’s right to take action.
    As you know I have tried but I am not strong enough yet. It’s not an unbearable situation. In a way it’s comfortable as I know the routine.
    And I try to see the good side: the people I met because of where this situation brought me, my writing that I may not have pursued if things were fine, my new goals…
    Life works in strange ways. You just have to keep your eyes open and grab the opportunities that come your way. If you let them pass you by is when the problems get serious. ❤❤

    Like

  5. I’ve just found your blog and reading from the beginning. This post is familiar to me. I feel indifference towards my hubby and haven’t desired him for a long time. I have sex with him out of duty not because I want to. I thought my sex drive had gone completely. My situation is different in that I’m having an emotional affair and that has reignited my passion, though I just can’t transfer that to my hubby.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. DFMGhost says:

      You may find a lot more to relate to. The past few months have been difficult, to say the least. The struggles with sex and desire (or lack of) are reason for more fights. I want sex but I want passionate sex, not technically good sex.
      I haven’t met anyone else and that’s both easier and harder. There’s no one else to ‘blame’ but there’s also no one else to hang on to.
      Thank you for reading and if you want to chat, I’m always open to it. xx

      Liked by 1 person

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