OUROBOROS

I am stuck in a vicious cycle. The calm is gone and the whole being down thing during it proved to be warranted: I was simply bracing for the next storm!

And it came, not as bad as the first one, but just like a hurricane, the second wave, after the eye passes, is just to flatten what’s already destroyed.

hurricane

Just like the Ouroboros, the dragon/snake biting its own tale, I have been through this over and over again and I can’t seem to break it. It signifies self-reflexivity, introspection or cyclicality. There’s nothing that represents my life as a whole better than this.

ouroboros_2

The argument came about the stupidest thing: the dog! More precisely about who would walk him Saturday afternoon. On our agreed plan, it’s his day, but he didn’t feel like doing it and started trying to push it to me. I would have done it if he hadn’t tricked me a million times before with his swaps.

His persistence with the subject after my denial started grating on me after the 5th attempt and I burst. I never wanted that dog. He bought him even after I said ‘no’ a million times. Don’t get me wrong: he’s a lovely dog and I love animals in general but we don’t have the time.

We both work full time, we both drive around 45 minutes to get to our work places (in different directions, just for info), we both get home tired hoping to relax. He likes to be out on weekends without a care and loves booking these last minute mini-breaks.

Since the dog came into the picture, every outing needs to be worked around the feeding/walking times and last minute mini-breaks are impossible or at least highly unlikely. When he has these urges to still do it, I am the witch to remind him of his pet and I still get blamed for not being able to find him a place in a kennel within 10 minutes.

Yes, the childishness scares me. That’s what we have come down to: two children arguing about the sharing (or not) of toys. And I feel like I’m walking on eggshells again.

My daughter is getting caught into it as he feels she always sides with me. He doesn’t realise that it may be simply because I listen to her, I know her and respect who she is. He wants to spend more time with her but instead of doing something she likes, he wants to create some activity he feels is right for a father-daughter bonding, even if it’s something he’s never done or something she says she doesn’t like doing.

My ‘Raven’ has gone through a phase of finding herself. She was very withdrawn and sad for a while. I reached out to her but the reason for her being so down was not yet clear. It wasn’t until I let her read my blog, this very one, that she came out to me as bisexual. I guess she’s more my daughter than I thought. Her looks are mostly her dad’s, apart from her hair, which is definitely like mine, but everyday her personality seems to match mine more and more.

thick thin

No, we are not the same and do not have any intention of becoming a pair of twin vases, however the way we not only accept, but embrace the differences and wish for simple respect for who we are is what brings us together.

She dreads coming out to her dad and she’s sure he’ll struggle with it. I’m sure too. All I can do is reassure her I’m there for her no matter what. I want her to be braver than I ever was and not fall into the same trap I have.

I think she secretly wishes we would split up once and for all. She won’t say it, just like I wished my parents would, but never said a word.

Soundtrack: Love Again – Pentatonix

Advertisements

5 Comments Add yours

  1. Hugs my dear friend. Time is working on letting your life and that of Raven fall into place. All things happen for a reason, sometimes we don’t see or understand them but everything will happen and come to you at the perfect time. I know you know. It was a brave thing to do to let Raven read your blog, but I believe it also showed her the immense trust you have in her with I’m sure bonded you even closer. A wise choice and the right decision. I’m proud of you ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. MLYGhost says:

      I will get there. I don’t know when, I don’t know how, but I will make that snake release its tail.
      Raven is good. She had a smile on her face while reading this post. I’m proud of who she is, that she knows herself much better than I did when I was her age. And I love her more than anything.
      I don’t know if you should be proud of me, but thank you! You’re still my dear friend through all this and all I can do is accept it with all my heart. xx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I believe in you and I know you will get there. I also know you are doing the best you can and it is not easy. Tough enough to deal with it for yourself but you also have Raven to think about. (what a beautiful name by the way). You are taking one day at a day, some good, some bad and there is a lot you are handling right now for me to be able to say that I’m proud of you. Do t sell yourself short my dear friend. It’s a lot. Hugs….

        Liked by 1 person

      2. MLYGhost says:

        Raven is the name she picked. It’s not her real name. She likes it as she also likes her real name. Raven is her alter-ego and writer name. Just like me, she has created herself another identity. ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      3. And like me since Rhapsody Bohème is my alter ego, my warrior name 😉

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s