I am stuck in a vicious cycle. The calm is gone and the whole being down thing during it proved to be warranted: I was simply bracing for the next storm!
And it came, not as bad as the first one, but just like a hurricane, the second wave, after the eye passes, is just to flatten what’s already destroyed.
Just like the Ouroboros, the dragon/snake biting its own tale, I have been through this over and over again and I can’t seem to break it. It signifies self-reflexivity, introspection or cyclicality. There’s nothing that represents my life as a whole better than this.
The argument came about the stupidest thing: the dog! More precisely about who would walk him Saturday afternoon. On our agreed plan, it’s his day, but he didn’t feel like doing it and started trying to push it to me. I would have done it if he hadn’t tricked me a million times before with his swaps.
His persistence with the subject after my denial started grating on me after the 5th attempt and I burst. I never wanted that dog. He bought him even after I said ‘no’ a million times. Don’t get me wrong: he’s a lovely dog and I love animals in general but we don’t have the time.
We both work full time, we both drive around 45 minutes to get to our work places (in different directions, just for info), we both get home tired hoping to relax. He likes to be out on weekends without a care and loves booking these last minute mini-breaks.
Since the dog came into the picture, every outing needs to be worked around the feeding/walking times and last minute mini-breaks are impossible or at least highly unlikely. When he has these urges to still do it, I am the witch to remind him of his pet and I still get blamed for not being able to find him a place in a kennel within 10 minutes.
Yes, the childishness scares me. That’s what we have come down to: two children arguing about the sharing (or not) of toys. And I feel like I’m walking on eggshells again.
My daughter is getting caught into it as he feels she always sides with me. He doesn’t realise that it may be simply because I listen to her, I know her and respect who she is. He wants to spend more time with her but instead of doing something she likes, he wants to create some activity he feels is right for a father-daughter bonding, even if it’s something he’s never done or something she says she doesn’t like doing.
My ‘Raven’ has gone through a phase of finding herself. She was very withdrawn and sad for a while. I reached out to her but the reason for her being so down was not yet clear. It wasn’t until I let her read my blog, this very one, that she came out to me as bisexual. I guess she’s more my daughter than I thought. Her looks are mostly her dad’s, apart from her hair, which is definitely like mine, but everyday her personality seems to match mine more and more.
No, we are not the same and do not have any intention of becoming a pair of twin vases, however the way we not only accept, but embrace the differences and wish for simple respect for who we are is what brings us together.
She dreads coming out to her dad and she’s sure he’ll struggle with it. I’m sure too. All I can do is reassure her I’m there for her no matter what. I want her to be braver than I ever was and not fall into the same trap I have.
I think she secretly wishes we would split up once and for all. She won’t say it, just like I wished my parents would, but never said a word.