CALM AFTER THE STORM

I am facing a calm period in my life, so why do I feel so low? Things have been good after the monumental holiday fight. The best they have been for a very long time. Barely husband is definitely keeping his side of the deal: he’s talking, he’s interested, he’s not pushing, he’s not moaning… there has even been a certain amount of good sex – well, great sex – but I still feel empty.

To make matters worse, my daughter had a little breakdown yesterday. ‘Raven’ now thinks she’s the cause of my sadness. She thinks I am only still with her dad because of her, which is not true. Of course I think about her and the implications for her if we ever split up, but there is so much more…

I am scared and have already admitted to being a coward. The massive fight and my request for divorce only happened because I was cornered, like a wild animal that desperately tries to run away and only attacks in a last ditch attempt to not die.

Raven is the one that always sees right through me. It’s scary! Even I have been fooled by my ‘happy wife’ impersonation, but never her.

calm_after_the_storm 1

I am calm, but I’m also indifferent; I’m happy but there’s no excitement; As my good friend RhapsodyBohème would say: I love, but I am not IN LOVE.

On the other hand, I am in love with my characters, with their friendship, with their love story. In a way it’s pathetic because I am setting the bar too high for myself and, even if I end up divorcing and finding someone else, it’s highly unlikely this new relationship would live up to those expectations. I know it, but it doesn’t make me crave it any less.

Then I realised my writing is suffering and alarm bells went off because that’s what’s keeping me sane. I have a case of writers’ block or lack of inspiration. I have been going over the same chapters that have been written for weeks.

I’m doubting my skills and panicking because the reads have dropped. I’m already thinking about scrapping the whole thing and starting over, which is a shame because the plot is very special to me.

I always knew it was a hard sell. It’s a romance, but I can’t get away from the fact it’s a fan-fiction. Instead of creating 10 new characters, I borrowed 5 of them and even if the driving force of the story is the plot, which is mostly about the original characters, the general quality of available fan-fiction is very low, with smuts and cheap one shots getting the most views.

And right now you’ll feel my writers’ block in this post as I’m going back and forth and I can’t organise it in a way I’m happy with. I have moved paragraphs up and down, changed them, changed subject… Sod it! At least you’ll get the picture of how my mind is working!

The calm after the storm sucks!!! Even if I love the song below…

Soundtrack: Calm After the Storm – The Common Linnets

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8 Comments Add yours

  1. Hello my dear friend,
    Life is overwhelming at times with all of its ups and downs in particular situations such as your marriage. I am sorry to read about Raven view and blaming herself. I know it adds additional stress for you and while you can only reassure her that she is not the reason for your dispute, please remember that you can’t control everything and give yourself some credit. You are a wonderful person who deserves to be happy.
    You have become numb to the pain and the disappointments. Yes the sex may be great right now but you know that one can not survive in a relationship because of sex alone and what you seek is much deeper and more meaningful. Your expectations now may feel unrealistic and you may feel what you are looking for is not out there, but it is only because your heart has been hurt on such a deep level. Don’t try to convince yourself that because it’s not out there that you might as well just stay as you would only settle and give up on your dreams. If you are willing to do that, I’m afraid you will have to accept things the way they are. Would you be happy if so? I know the answer and so do you.
    As far as your writers block, I go through the same. Seldom happy with the arrangement, changing things out, replacing words, you name it. It’s the perfectionist in us that seeks a certain order which is pleasing to US, even if others already think it’s great. Try to focus on speaking from your heart and focus less on the technical stuff or the ratings and stats. I understand what you are saying and we want to please our readers and not lose anyone along the way, but you already have people who are your fans and are here no matter what. Write what feels right to you, it could never be wrong coming from your heart no matter how out of order it may appear. Life is messy and seldom in order, and as far as scratching the whole thing, well that is simply not optional and can’t happen. Please don’t start over and leave it just the way it is. It is the truth, it is you and it doesn’t need to be changed.
    And lastly thank you so much for the mention and considering me a friend. It means the world and I’m very honored. Hugs and best wishes as always. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. MLYGhost says:

      Thank you, my friend. And yes, that’s what I consider you because for some reason you understand me, much better than people who have known me for years.
      I know my heart is not in it but if I don’t give this one last try I will regret it. It is as if I wish the spark to come back by sheer force of will. Sadly, there is no spark, but I have to try.
      I feel I can’t handle another big fight, so it definitely is the last time.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. And I do understand as to why you have to try. When and if the time comes that you walk away, you will need to do so with the understanding that you exhausted all possibilities of making this work. If not you will have regrets to follow you into the future, you know this and that’s why you have to do what you are doing. The future can’t hold any burdens of the past and it’s worth the time of trying. Your heart already knows that the spark is gone and it has already left, your mind and logical side of the story is something else and harder to convince as we always feel that we owe just one more chance. In the end it is our freedom and our happiness that is sacrificed and yet we accept it as our faith as we can’t live with the burdens of “what if” in the future.
        I do understand because I relate and please know you are on the right path. Everything is as it needs to be as you are working through these issues that are not resolved overnight. Everything will fall into place at the perfect time whether you are ready or not. Let it unfold and let go a bit of the reigns of control. You will feel better and I believe you already have by being numb to some of the issues. Perhaps it’s a sign that you have moved on from them and they no longer can effect you.
        Much love and best wishes to my dear friend. Strangely you have become an important person in my life despite that we never have met, and yet I feel like I have known you all my life. ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

  2. MLYGhost says:

    Pressed reply before I meant to. Stupid tablet! 😉
    My writing is there. I almost deleted it, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t press the button. I may reformat and repackage a couple of things but I do love the story and the message so I can’t and could never erase it.
    I may be one of those writers who needs to have the work complete before publishing, and that’s where Wattpad throws me off.
    The story is probably half way through in writing, maybe a bit less in publishing. I’ll believe in it and maybe it’ll find its public. If it doesn’t then I’ll need to keep reading it to myself like I often do.
    Thank you for that too. You’re even saving my ‘book’ now! ❤️❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It will find its place and already has on a different platform. We have much in common and I am grateful for you, that we have met and I appreciate you from the bottom of my heart.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Lesa Rose says:

    I know we don’t know each other and I just read your post but my heart aches for you, your daughter and your marriage. You feel empty, lost and alone. At some point in my life i felt the same way. The situation different. We were created with a spirit to make a connection with our creator. I know call me crazy. When I was in the pit I cried out for help. As your daughter sees what you need is ore than what you are getting. Seek to save your soul and everything else will fall into place. Don’t coast through your life but live it on and with purpose. Your writing will be fine, those that are for you will remain with you. Stats are good but it does not make you. Write because you love it. You are good at it.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. MLYGhost says:

    Thank you! I am trying with all my heart. Some days are harder than others, but I get through them one at a time.

    Like

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