I am facing a calm period in my life, so why do I feel so low? Things have been good after the monumental holiday fight. The best they have been for a very long time. Barely husband is definitely keeping his side of the deal: he’s talking, he’s interested, he’s not pushing, he’s not moaning… there has even been a certain amount of good sex – well, great sex – but I still feel empty.
To make matters worse, my daughter had a little breakdown yesterday. ‘Raven’ now thinks she’s the cause of my sadness. She thinks I am only still with her dad because of her, which is not true. Of course I think about her and the implications for her if we ever split up, but there is so much more…
I am scared and have already admitted to being a coward. The massive fight and my request for divorce only happened because I was cornered, like a wild animal that desperately tries to run away and only attacks in a last ditch attempt to not die.
Raven is the one that always sees right through me. It’s scary! Even I have been fooled by my ‘happy wife’ impersonation, but never her.
I am calm, but I’m also indifferent; I’m happy but there’s no excitement; As my good friend RhapsodyBohème would say: I love, but I am not IN LOVE.
On the other hand, I am in love with my characters, with their friendship, with their love story. In a way it’s pathetic because I am setting the bar too high for myself and, even if I end up divorcing and finding someone else, it’s highly unlikely this new relationship would live up to those expectations. I know it, but it doesn’t make me crave it any less.
Then I realised my writing is suffering and alarm bells went off because that’s what’s keeping me sane. I have a case of writers’ block or lack of inspiration. I have been going over the same chapters that have been written for weeks.
I’m doubting my skills and panicking because the reads have dropped. I’m already thinking about scrapping the whole thing and starting over, which is a shame because the plot is very special to me.
I always knew it was a hard sell. It’s a romance, but I can’t get away from the fact it’s a fan-fiction. Instead of creating 10 new characters, I borrowed 5 of them and even if the driving force of the story is the plot, which is mostly about the original characters, the general quality of available fan-fiction is very low, with smuts and cheap one shots getting the most views.
And right now you’ll feel my writers’ block in this post as I’m going back and forth and I can’t organise it in a way I’m happy with. I have moved paragraphs up and down, changed them, changed subject… Sod it! At least you’ll get the picture of how my mind is working!
The calm after the storm sucks!!! Even if I love the song below…
Soundtrack: Calm After the Storm – The Common Linnets