This is my third attempt at writing this post. I am currently on a family holiday. You may think ‘Why are you on a family holiday during such crisis?’. This thought has also crossed my mind, but, the truth is, this trip has been booked for months. Besides, there’s nothing wrong with having a break from the (lack of) British summer.
Not that things were good then – they just weren’t this bad. It’s been a long brewing process and some weeks are better than others. However, this past week I have been in a right mood. When that happens, I tend to withdraw and hide behind my writing. And I have written a lot, especially for my ‘book’, if I can call it that.
Back to the holiday, you can guess the mood wasn’t good to start with and then barely husband noticed I wasn’t wearing my wedding ring. I took it off about 3 months ago and he didn’t notice, I think, because during this hole time I have had a ring on – a beautiful ring I bought from an antiques shop. My wedding ring is a simple gold band and I have had it on with another ring on top before.
He entered full meltdown mode. I tried to explain I didn’t think it mattered to him exactly because he never wore his. You see, he took his off within 3 months of us being married because it made his finger ‘itchy’. It never really bothered me, even though I think wearing it is a nice gesture.
“It matters because you are attacking me, Casey**?” he screamed.
I wrote the first version of this during the flight, but it didn’t cover the fight of epic proportions that happened after we arrived. He had calmed down somewhat and we decided to go out for a few drinks. My mum and daughter, who are on holiday with us, decided not to come – best decision ever!!!
I can’t even say how it started anymore, but by the time we went back to the hotel he was on his full aggressive mode, not physically, as I described before – he tends to say the most horrible things with the sole intention of hurting me, even if he doesn’t believe them. As I also explained before, I have become numb to his tactics, but I reached my limit. When he asked me what my decision would be I gave him the shock of his life:
“You are cornering me and I don’t want to live like this anymore. I want a divorce,” I said.
In his typical fashion, he wanted to sort out every detail of the divorce – custody, financial settlement, etc. – there and then, with tempers flying high and a lot of alcohol still in our brains. He wanted me to also tell him I was sure that by leaving him I would be happy.
“I can’t guarantee, but I am definitely not happy now, so I have to try,” I said.
I see now that, in his desperation, he was trying to show me the complications of a divorce so I would give up. As it wasn’t working, he then threatened to make my life hell, especially regarding our daughter, also blaming me for letting her grow without a father. Wow!
I decided I didn’t want to argue and wanted to sleep. He couldn’t sleep. He tried to wake me up at least 3 times. I said I was not talking to him and I wanted to sleep every one of them. He cried.
In the morning came the apologies: for the swearing, for the aggression, for the threats… he doesn’t want to let go because he still loves me, even with all the differences. He then started questioning me about the things I want him to change. He wrote down a list and wanted me to do the same. I didn’t want to.
The list goes over the same points: acceptance, no pressure, understanding… There’s not a single big point – it’s always been the small things piling up for me.
We are trying again. We’ve had three good days. Is this the right decision? I don’t know. Am I going to be happy? I don’t know. He said he wants to try to understand me, so I think I owe this to our 15 years together.
** Fake name again…