DOOMED HOLIDAY

This is my third attempt at writing this post. I am currently on a family holiday. You may think ‘Why are you on a family holiday during such crisis?’. This thought has also crossed my mind, but, the truth is, this trip has been booked for months. Besides, there’s nothing wrong with having a break from the (lack of) British summer.

Not that things were good then – they just weren’t this bad. It’s been a long brewing process and some weeks are better than others. However, this past week I have been in a right mood. When that happens, I tend to withdraw and hide behind my writing. And I have written a lot, especially for my ‘book’, if I can call it that.

Back to the holiday, you can guess the mood wasn’t good to start with and then barely husband noticed I wasn’t wearing my wedding ring. I took it off about 3 months ago and he didn’t notice, I think, because during this hole time I have had a ring on – a beautiful ring I bought from an antiques shop. My wedding ring is a simple gold band and I have had it on with another ring on top before.

He entered full meltdown mode. I tried to explain I didn’t think it mattered to him exactly because he never wore his. You see, he took his off within 3 months of us being married because it made his finger ‘itchy’. It never really bothered me, even though I think wearing it is a nice gesture.

“It matters because you are attacking me, Casey**?” he screamed.

I wrote the first version of this during the flight, but it didn’t cover the fight of epic proportions that happened after we arrived. He had calmed down somewhat and we decided to go out for a few drinks. My mum and daughter, who are on holiday with us, decided not to come – best decision ever!!!

I can’t even say how it started anymore, but by the time we went back to the hotel he was on his full aggressive mode, not physically, as I described before – he tends to say the most horrible things with the sole intention of hurting me, even if he doesn’t believe them. As I also explained before, I have become numb to his tactics, but I reached my limit. When he asked me what my decision would be I gave him the shock of his life:

“You are cornering me and I don’t want to live like this anymore. I want a divorce,” I said.

In his typical fashion, he wanted to sort out every detail of the divorce – custody, financial settlement, etc. – there and then, with tempers flying high and a lot of alcohol still in our brains. He wanted me to also tell him I was sure that by leaving him I would be happy.

“I can’t guarantee, but I am definitely not happy now, so I have to try,” I said.

I see now that, in his desperation, he was trying to show me the complications of a divorce so I would give up. As it wasn’t working, he then threatened to make my life hell, especially regarding our daughter, also blaming me for letting her grow without a father. Wow!

I decided I didn’t want to argue and wanted to sleep. He couldn’t sleep. He tried to wake me up at least 3 times. I said I was not talking to him and I wanted to sleep every one of them. He cried.

In the morning came the apologies: for the swearing, for the aggression, for the threats… he doesn’t want to let go because he still loves me, even with all the differences. He then started questioning me about the things I want him to change. He wrote down a list and wanted me to do the same. I didn’t want to.

The list goes over the same points: acceptance, no pressure, understanding… There’s not a single big point – it’s always been the small things piling up for me.

We are trying again. We’ve had three good days. Is this the right decision? I don’t know. Am I going to be happy? I don’t know. He said he wants to try to understand me, so I think I owe this to our 15 years together.

** Fake name again…

Soundtrack: Try – Pink

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12 Comments Add yours

  1. tarnishedsoul says:

    Unfortunately, chaos is all that exists in a relationship. I know, if I didn’t escape for things on a mental level, I would drown in the chaos…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. MLYGhost says:

      I am trying. I just don’t want to feel trapped. I want to do things in my own pace and I don’t want a schedule. I don’t think the chaos scares me as much as feeling cornered.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. tarnishedsoul says:

        Oh, I understand that quite well. you want to be handle the chaos on your terms and you don’t want to feel like your ideas and opinions are meaningless.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. MLYGhost says:

        😊 😍❤ You get it!

        Liked by 1 person

      3. tarnishedsoul says:

        I live the same! ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Hey Casey 😉, I feel that you are still there because of personal guilt that you owe him of your family to do so. I think you may still love him but you are not in love with him anymore. There is a vital difference and the later one is one that can’t be missing in a relationship. I think you feel bad that things turned out this way after 15 years, perhaps you look for part in the blame at yourself and that is what keeps you in the situation.
    Further I think you have become numb and you can see right through the routines. The arguments and the manipulative BS, trying to pass blame and intimidating you. It gets old and only causes further resentment. And then the apologies that are a little too late as actions speak louder than words.
    I think deep down you know that you won’t be happy as long as you stay in this verbally and mentally abusive situation. It’s only a matter of when you will draw the line and when you no longer go forward with this matter. Only you can decide and even if you already know all of this, you will have to be ready to make that move. Much love to you….you got this. One day at a time…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. MLYGhost says:

      Sorry for taking so long to reply. I didn’t want to do it in a rush.

      I really think you are right about the loving/in love situation. I still hang on to the good things we’ve been through but I don’t have the same excitement, the same desire… sometimes it’s none at all!

      Relashionships should change and I understand the most important thing that remains is the friendship. But we are not friends.

      To his credit, he is trying. He’s been asking about my writing. I told him about the ‘book’, not in detail and I still refuse to let him read it. I told him he’s not ready for the themes I approach there. I will never tell him about this blog. This is mine only.

      I can’t predict the future. I don’t know if this is going to work. I know I still want to write and I want to meet wonderful, like you! ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you so much for your kind words and no worries as there is never a rush of having to reply and I’m here and might not be able to get back right away as well.
        Time will tell where everything will go with barely husband and more experiences will determine the decision and pave the road for you. I understand where you are and as always I relate to my situation.
        I, just like you are in the process of writing a book and started this blog to help me in the process. My barely husband knows but has not read anything either and it wouldn’t matter since I don’t discuss our subjects here, at least not yet.
        I know we will both find our way and I’m ok for the time being and know that you can’t rush matters of the heart or whatever it is that we are still here. I think partially we have to know that we did everything in our power and gave it all we had in order of being able to walk away without regrets or guilt, because if we had that and blamed ourselves for something, our future would seem doomed.
        You seem like a wonderful person and I know all will work out in the end. It always does. Besides that….chin up princess, or the crown slips 😉. Hugs

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Loving your blog.! Just found it last night and working my way through your posts.

    Fascinating to see this from the other perspective. I’m the dumpee.

    The sleeping bit resonated. When Ex dropped his bomb – on Christmas Day, no forewarning, no discussion, his mind was made up and that was that – he went to sleep soon after. I was in shock, but really couldn’t comprehend how he could sleep after that. Like BH with you, I tried to wake him several times.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. DFMGhost says:

      Thank you! A lot has happened since I started writing this blog. Things are not easy.
      In our case, there was a lot of build up and forewarning. He pushed me as far as he could, until I broke. When I said the dreaded word, he was shocked and didn’t understand it. I went back and forth. I tried.
      10 months on, there are still a lot of loose ends. We are still navigating through this.
      Even if I was the one to call it in the end, it doesn’t mean it’s easy for me. 💙💖

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Indeed, DFM. This is not easy on anyone.

        It does seem like you tried very hard and didn’t make the decision lightly: I think you’re incredibly brave.

        Despite it being out of the blue for me, I’m sure Ex must have been thinking/planning it for months. He must have had his reasons. I need to remember that: reading you’re story is helping in that regard.

        I’m up to the new year now.

        Take care x

        Liked by 1 person

      2. DFMGhost says:

        I’m glad I’m helping in a way. I think there are always two sides to every story and it’s helpful when they are known. I see you are still in the dark and I think that makes everything harder, including moving on.
        I have not taken the decision lightly by any means. I have tried and I have chickened out before committing.
        The New Year for me was enlightening.
        Take care too x

        Like

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