I AM A COWARD! There. I said it. It is something I have been ruminating this past week. I seem to chew it, swallow it and then it comes back leaving a horrible taste in my mouth but I repeat the cycle.
I went through my parents ‘difficult’ marriage with a clear view that they should split up. I started seeing that from a very young age. They were not good for each other. Separately they are very good people, both of them, but they are creatures of different worlds and my mother was always the one to compromise and suffer in silence for it. I always said that would never happen to me. How stupid was I?
Granted! My marriage is not half as bad and I haven’t been completely silent, but I have let go of my essence and that hurts me now. Deeply! I am trying to rediscover myself and that takes time.
Barely husband knows I’m not fine as I made it clear to him. He is trying to go out, have fun and talk. He really is! I am trying to feel it, but I just can’t.
And right now tears are running down my face and it is crap because I am typing this during my lunch time at work. (Runs for tissue). Fortunately I am currently alone in my office and I hope no one is going to come back before I have time to recompose myself.
The core issue is that I don’t see us moving in the same direction. Even if we respect each other now, even if we talk, even if we try, we still want very different things from life.
He asked me yesterday, during happy hour in a pub: are you still thinking about splitting up? I said it still crosses my mind, because I don’t know if we’ll ever want the same things again.
I am not brave enough to say it clearly with all letters that I am thinking about it very seriously and right now my choice would be more ‘yes’ than ‘no’ in a dooming 90-10 ratio.
I have been reading a lot and this week there were two posts that touched me in my heart and spoke to me:
- The first one, by 3375F and the ABC’s of a Fantastic Spouse. I confess I pulled a face when I started reading it, stupidly thinking it was about women’s duties to the husband. Then, fortunately, I realised the intended reciprocity from the word ‘spouse’ and letter C – Compromises easily – jumped at me. It is really bad when one sided, but the most beautiful thing in the world when reciprocal.
- The second post, by beautybeyondbones and 7 Birthday Resolutions. Resolution number 4 – Let People In – struck a chord. During my whole life, I’ve had millions of ‘friends’. I was always in happy party groups, but I question how many people actually know me. I’d say no one. I pretend to let them in, but in reality, I don’t. I hide my soft side from them, just like I’m hiding behind my writing alias.
They talk about things that are very important and mean a lot to me, so thank you both for being so wonderful.
Finally, I will take steps to act bravely and hopefully I won’t take 25 years like it did for my parents.